Friday, March 11, 2011


I have been for the last 10months.

Then Christchurch had the devastating earthquake, last I heard there were 165 people dead. Tonight a HUGE earthquake has hit Japan. Tsunamis and everything.

But what is consuming me? What is making me cry? Why am I numb?

One person. One Death. One Life gone.

I feel selfish. I feel alone.

I have the most AMAZING network of in real life and online friends. My family is FANTASTIC.

I still feel alone.

My grief consumes me. Jason's absence is HUGE in EVERYTHING we do.

I know people are going to say it's ok to feel the way I do, it isn't selfish, and I truely appreciate my supporters, I truely do.

But I still feel selfish and alone.

Yesterday I got an email from a lady named Trish. She works for Spring Hill Corrections Facility and she is leading the team in charge of constructing the Memorial Garden in Jason's honor. In the email there were photos of the progess and the plans. I bawled. I sat there reading and looking with tears streaming down my face.

I am lucky that my husband died the way he did in some ways. If he had of died in a car accident the most he would have got was perhaps a white cross on the side of the road. If he had of died of an illness perhaps all he would have got was a grave stone. But he died doing his job, protecting his adopted country from the scum. So he gets a Memorial Garden.

Is it enough? Of course not. Nothing will ever be enough to honor the man who stole my heart and who changed my life forever. Nothing will bring him back, or stop my heart from aching.

So I sit here, watching news reports about Japan, and reading updates on Christchurch and I feel selfish and alone.


Laura C said...

Tracy - no words of wisdom - just a big ole hug from across the oceans. Death and grief comes in cycles. Allow yourself to live each cycle and know that you are loved

jacksta said...

(((((((((hugs)))))))) because I will never understand your pain and have no words.


Jamey said...

Your ARE allowed to feel selfish! You can grieve in your own way, in your own time, and it doesn't matter what is happening anywhere else in the world - you can still feel and be selfish! (hugs)

mandyb said...

it DOES suck!!!!
nothing i can say will help!!! but even though i am a whole island away....know i think of you often!!! and think you are doing a FABBO job of caring for those 2 precious kiddies!!!

btw love how you are exploring the pics of the kids taking photos!!!! (blog post above)