2015

Wow, last year I blogged 6 times.
I figured I might be over the blogging thing, that I might not need it anymore, that I have nothing else to share.

It's only 4 days into 2015 and it's already being a tough one.

Last year a met a wonderful man. We dated, he moved in, we fell in love. We went through some good and not so good stuff together and then a week after Christmas, quite unexpectedly to me, he ended it.

I'm not angry.

I am sad and upset and confused.

I will be ok. I know that because I got through losing Jason, and honestly this is nothing compared to that. But it still hurts. A lot.

It kind of brings me to what I want to talk about.

It took me 4 years to start dating after Jason died. WOW what an unexpected emotional roller coaster it has been.
I have been on a few dates with a few different guys.
I have dated a couple for a while.
I fell in love even.

But Jason was still always on my mind. And the feelings of guilt and betrayal were hard things to overcome. But I worked through them. And yes, sadly, the relationship I thought might be the next "one" didn't turn out to be but as I sit here feeling sorry for myself and wondering what I did wrong, I also think "wow" look how far I have come. Look at what I have overcome to get to this stage and place in my life.

I have this flaw, and it's that I care too much too quickly. You see I have had my husband, my Grandmother and my Father all die quickly and unexpectedly in the last 4 1/2 years.  It kind of reiterates to me that Life is short. You need to grab the bull by the horns and ride it. You have NO idea what is going to happen tomorrow. Yeah I suppose that this philosophy may have caused me too much hurt, but in amongst the hurt was experience, fun, happiness. I learnt a lot from my last relationship. I had experiences I have never had before and as much as it hurts like heck right now I have no regrets. Maybe, if there is a next time, I will have learnt enough to make a better, stronger, more amazing relationship with someone.

Really at the end of the day it will be better to say "OMG what a knob I was for doing that" than having to say "I really wish I had of given that a go"

Go check out this AMAZING blog - Bone Marrow For Life. 
Raymond lost his Love to Cancer. Such a horrible disease, He was one of the rocks in my life when my Jason died. (read about that HERE) I read his blog and I smile because I know that yes he is in pain and yes life sucks but he is going to be ok.
Someone else who has the same philosophy as me - I love his catch phrase ....

Live a life you are proud of.

Be Better. Love Better.

So I challenge you in 2015 to step out of your comfort zone and LIVE!!! Challenge yourself, do the things you always wished you could do. Don't wait until tomorrow because tomorrow might just not happen.

Tell the people who you love that you love them, spend time on things you are passionate about and most of all MAKE NO EXCUSES!!!!

4 Years Today .....

Another year has gone by without you.

The grief I feel for your loss isn't constant any more, it comes in like the tide in ebbs and waves.  Somedays are stormy and the grief swell overwhelms me. Other days are calm and peaceful.

So much has happened in this last year. We are all growing and changing.

Riley is a senior at school. He is fast turning from a boy into a young man. Everyday he is looking more and more like you. He hurts as much as I do. We were talking about around the time you died. He remembers as much as I do. He says little but feels much.

Abbey is growing like a weed. She is going to be a handful when she hits puberty. She has your cheeky sense of humor and your sparkle and smile. She misses the thought of you. She doesn't remember what it was like to have a loving Dad. She has had more life without you now than with you.

I am at an emotional cross-roads. I love you with the same intensity as I did before, that will never change. But I am so lonely. I have started dating. It's confusing, especially at the times like this when I am feeling so much sadness at your loss but also feeling excitement for the upcoming date I have. I miss you everyday you aren't here. I still cry, although not so much as I used to. My heart is still aching and the hole you left will never be filled.

I am strong, and brave. I have found myself, the me without you. I quite like her. She is spirited, funny, cute, quirky, creative and filled with love. I know I am lovable and worth loving because YOU loved me. You loved me with your everything. I am glad I know that. I am so privileged to have had the whole heart of an amazing man in my hands. So many people live their whole lives not having the kind of love we shared. For that love I am greatful. For that 8 years we had together I am thankful.  I really hope that one day I get to hold someones heart like that again, and they can hold mine too.

Today, like the last 3 years we will be at Spring Hill Prison. Sitting in your memorial garden. Remembering, reflecting, grieving your loss.
I will leave my 8 orange gerberas. I will think of you, as I do everyday.

I will LIVE my life to honor yours. I will teach our children the power of love and the importance of life and the importance of people. We will live our lives and live them well.
We will NEVER forget you, your love or our love for you.

You will always be in our hearts.

alwaysforeverandeternity

Your Princess xxxx

When it Happened
Year One
Year Two
Year Three

Christmas Grief

I was doing ok.
I have been sooo busy I haven't had much time to think.
But it snuck up and surprised me.

I miss my husband more than ever around this time of year.

Christmas is all about family to me. So having Jason not here really hurts. A lot.
I watch my friends prepare for Christmas, see them working together with the men in their lives putting together kids presents, seeing Dads getting involved at end of year parties. My heart aches.

My heart aches that my kids don't have a Daddy to love them.
My heart aches that I don't have my best friend to hold my hand.
My heart aches for the life we are missing out on.

This will be the 4th Christmas without Jason.
It hasn't got any easier.
Yes life is going well for us. We are coping well. I have a really great routine going and we are working great as a little family of 3.
But this time of year is still hard.
Especially when the feelings sneak up on you unexpectedly.
I should have known they were coming. But they still surprised me. I really thought that after all this time I might deal with it better.
But the tears still flow and my chest feels tight and my heart aches.

And I miss him so very much.

Father's Day

Father's Day is coming up this weekend. We are inundated with TV, Radio, Junk Mail advertisements for Father's Day.

This year is the first year Abbey has really noticed the fact that she doesn't have a Dad.

She was only 2 when her Daddy died.  She doesn't remember him.

Abbey on the Day her Daddy died

The first thing that triggered this for Abbey was having a Dad's night at Pippins.  She told her leaders that her Dad died so she didn't have a Dad. They said that she could bring her Grandad or big brother or someone else if she wanted.

My Dad stepped up and went with Abbey to Pippins, she was the only one there who didn't have a Dad. She really noticed that.

She has been drawing a lot of pictures of her and her Daddy holding hands, she has written a few letters to her Daddy and he is the constant topic of conversation for her at the moment.  For the first time I think she is finally realising what it all means.

And of course it breaks my heart.

I am a good Mum and I do all I can for my kids but I can not be a Dad.

I wish I could make this right and fix it for her but all I can do is be here for her to answer her questions and let her know how much her Daddy loved, adored and cherished her.

Life is really hard some days, especially when it is hard for your kids.

Year 3

When it Happened
Year 1
Year 2

3 Years.

So much has happened.

I own a house, I have a shop. The kids have grown. We are a family of 3.

We still talk about you EVERYDAY.  The empty seat at the table and the passenger seat in the car are "Daddy's Seats".  We discuss how proud you would be of us, our achievements. We talk about what you would have done in that situation. We talk about the things you achieved, how proud we are of you. We talk about how much we love and miss you. We cherish the things we have that remind us of you. We often look at photos and laugh and remember the fun family times we had.

We carry on without you.

I wear a mask, I hide, I act. I cry, I yell, I get angry, I weep. I have nightmares. I have insomnia. I'm on antidepressants. My heart aches everyday. I hurt. I'm lonely, I'm scared. I am still grieving.

I'm strong, I'm independent, I'm brave. I am surviving, I am living, I am moving forward.

I love you, I miss you, I need you.

I am going to be ok.

Today I will sit in your memorial garden and reflect. I will lay flowers in the garden, 8 orange gerberas.  8 for the wonderful 8 years we had together, orange so you know they are from me, gerberas because they were our wedding flowers. I will wish that you are here. I will probably cry. I will think about how different things would have been had you not died. I will wonder at where we would have been. I will grieve for the life we should have had.

Tomorrow I will carry on. I will visit friends. We will laugh we will have fun. We will go about our day. I will still think of you. But I won't stop living. And I do it for you. For you I keep on keeping on. I will never forget when you were in America and I cried and sobbed and said it was too hard without you here. You said to me "Be strong for me baby, and look after our babies" so I do. I am strong for you baby, and I look after our babies, even though they aren't babies anymore. I will do that for you, everyday.

3 Years.

30 Day Challenge

Day 26 - A Photo Of Somewhere You Want To Go

Grafton National Cemetery, West Virginia, United States of America

Weird place to want to visit?

Perhaps.

But that is where my husband was laid to rest. I haven't been there yet. I need to go. I need to see where he is. I need to put flowers at his grave site and weep. I need to do this. So here is where I want to go.

30 Day Challenge

Day 12 - Your Current Relationship, If Single Discuss How Single Life Is

Whoa! Another tricky, tricky question!!!!

I don't consider myself single, I am a widow. 

I didn't chose to be alone, that choice was taken away from me. I'm not saying everyone who is single chose to be that way, because that is not true in many cases. I am just saying if Jason was alive I would still be with him.

How is it being a widow? Well firstly it's quite lonely, especially after the kids have gone to bed. There are loads of things I really miss about having my husband around.

I have no one to help me make decisions. For some people that might sound blissful!! But it's also a massive responsibility. I am the sole person to make ALL the decisions about EVERYTHING! Everything from what food to cook to what school the kids should go to. Having to make ALL the choices ALL the time gets both tiring and stressful. 

I have very little down time. Between housekeeping, children, shop owning there is very little time where I can sit and be content. Don't get me wrong I sit plenty! In fact probably too much! But constantly going around and around my head is what needs to be done. When Jason was around I had only half of the workload. He was very good at helping with the chores around the house, I was very lucky and quite spoilt by that, I miss it a lot.

I have no one to vent to about the everyday little things. Or no one to share the funny little things that happen in my day, or with the kids. I wrote a post about my Relationship with Facebook. It wasn't anywhere near what it was when I had my husband to talk to everyday.

My kids have only me for everything. I have to do ALL of the School Trips, Parent/Teacher Interviews, Camps, Birthday Parties, Cubs/Pippins, etc etc etc.  It gets tiring being the only parent. It's also really disheartening seeing the Mums and Dads of kids turning up to all these things and it's always just me. I also have to go to places like the Zoo, Museum, Fairs, Galas, etc etc etc by myself, or often these days with my Mum. I am eternally grateful for the support from my Mum.

Family Holidays don't feel right. I don't like going to the beach or swimming because I feel uncomfortable watching both my kids by myself in the water. I feel like a 3rd wheel when I am with my couple friends. 

So basically after being in a really good relationship with a man who does so much for you and your kids and his family, being single sucks!!

What else can I say!?!?!

30 Day Challenge

Day 11 - A Picture Of Your Favourite Memory

I don't have just one favourite memory. I have many. Here are a few, in no particular order ......

When Jase arrived in New Zealand

When I became a Mum for the first time with my little Riley

When my wee Princess Abbey arrived

When I opened my Scrap Heap Store

My Wedding Day

Buying my first house

30 Day Challenge

Day 8 - Your Dream Wedding

Well I am lucky enough to have already had a pretty dreamy wedding. 

If I was to get married again though I would love to have an Orange Wedding. 

I don't want to feel pressured into doing things I don't want to. I have one big regret about my wedding. I let people convince me I needed fancy shoes. What I really wanted was a pair of White Skechers I had seen. I have never worn my wedding shoes again, I would have worn the skechers loads!!

But the main thing, the thing that is most important to me about a wedding, and it was the same with my wedding, was to have my favourite people there to share my day!

30 Day Challenge

Day 6 - A Song To Match Your Mood

Hmmm

How am I feeling today? What is my mood like? Well I am feeling rather content today. I had a good day. I feel the winds of change are starting to blow in my life. I feel like good things are coming my way. I am feeling positive today. BUt I can't find any songs that reflect the way I am feeling. Of course not! Because if I could it would be way too easy AND these 30 things seem to be testing me!!

SO

I thought I'd share a song that makes me feel good and happy and content when I listen to it.

And I LOVE the video too!

Featherstone - The Paper Kites

This also is a song that makes me think about Jason xx

30 Day Challenge

Day #5 - What Makes You Different From Everyone Else?

Give me an easy question please!!!

I don't see myself as anything exceptional. I am just a plain Jane ordinary girl from a small city in a small country. I have been through quite a bit in my life though, things that not many people I know have had to experience.

My Dad had a horrific work accident when I was 20. He is very lucky to be alive, but he became a paraplegic because of it.

Almost 3 years ago my Husband who was 33 was killed by a Prison Inmate in the Prison he had worked at for only 6mths.

These two massive events make me different to other people. I have a real insight into the sayings "Life Is Short" "Seize The Day" and "You Never Know What is Waiting Around the Corner"

Both of those major traumatic events happened very unexpectedly. Both of them changed me in a dramatic way.

I have become less patient and tolerant of other peoples petty issues, well to me they are petty. It has also made me more independent, resilient and strong. There have been as many silver linings from my tragedies as sadness. I have lost people who I thought were friends and learnt the meaning of true friendship. I have learnt life lessons I hope none of my friends or family ever have to learn in the same way.

So what makes me different to everyone else? I am a survivor. I have been to the depths of despair and crawled my way back out that hole and I have survived. I plan to continue to survive. I will do my best by myself and my children and I sure hope that they don't have to become survivors as well.

Because without the rain there would never be a rainbow.

2 Years of Lonliness

Today marks the 2nd anniversary of my sweet husband Jason's death.

TWO years. Sometimes it feels like two years. Sometimes it feels like yesterday. Sometimes it feels like a million years have past.

Grief is a funny thing. A lot of people have told me that over time things will get better. The pain will go away. Yes I agree that things have got better, actually no, not better, easier. Things have become easier to deal with. My emotions are easier to deal with. Every day living is mostly easier to deal with. We have got into a solo-parent family routine as such now.  The pain hasn't gone away. Not remotely. I still feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest. I can hide the pain from others more easily. I can smile. But every night when I put the kids to bed and I am left in the quiet night alone I feel it as intensely as I felt it the day he died, In fact I believe I feel it more intensely because of the fact that I am now fully aware of my emotions and surroundings. Back in the beginning I was numb, in a sleep walking type space. I called it walking around in a bubble. But now I am out of the bubble and I feel things. I am still often gripped with a bone chilling grief that I curl up into a ball and cry myself to sleep. It doesn't happen as often as it used to, but it still happens.

Why am I sharing this?
To let everyone know that the pain of losing someone you love NEVER ends for that person. They may seem to be doing really well. They may seem to be moving on, carrying on with life, and they very well may be. But there is still that pain and grief that they are also going through. I understand that others will forget. It wasn't their lives that were turned upside down. But please remember.

To my friends, please don't be offended if I turn down social occasions that only have couples. Please don't get upset if I don't come to other things you have planned if they fall close to or on any of the hard dates I have to deal with. Please understand that I am turning you down for both our sake. Please be understanding. Because yes it has been two years, two years is a long time. But the fact of the matter is two years when you were supposed to be with someone for your whole life isn't very long at all.

So about now, while you are reading this I will be at Spring Hill Corrections Facility, the place where my husband took his last independent breath. I will be sitting in reflection in the garden that was built in his memory, laying flowers so he knows we will never forget.
I plan to go here every year. We have no grave here to visit so we will visit his memorial.

Take a moment today to think about the people who are important in your life. Call them, visit them, hug and kiss your husband/wife and children and tell them how much they mean to you because you NEVER know what will happen tomorrow.

Read about my life getting turned Upside Down
Read About Jason's Memorial Service

Bad Day

There is nothing special about today.

It's a Tuesday. It's raining. Abbey is home from kindergarten not feeling well. Riley is at school. It is an ordinary day with no special significance.

Today I am feeling like I am in a black hole. I feel so alone. Life right now is overwhelming me.  Today I want my husband to be here so bad it hurts.

Why today? What has made today such a hard day?  There is no reason other than the fact that Jason is still not here. He hasn't been here for 1 year 10 months and 4 days.

In the beginning everyone told me in time I will feel better. Time will heal me and take away my pain. That is bullshit. I don't think any of those people have ever lost someone they truly loved. Time has made it easier to deal with the day to day things. Time has made it easier to hide my gut wrenching emotions. Time, however, has NOT taken away the pain. Time has NOT made me feel better. Time has NOT healed me. I feel like I still have a gaping hole where my heart should be and I still hurt. Today the weather reflects me. Today I am crying on the outside when normally I do on the inside. I feel dark and cold and stormy. Mostly I just feel very very alone.

I have lots of friends. AMAZING friends. They are supportive, caring and understanding of what I am living through. None of them will ever fill the part of me that is missing. And when I contemplate the fact that I still have a long life to live ahead of me without my soul mate by my side I feel lost. I can fill my day with friends and activities and push back all my emotions and feelings during the day. But after the kids go to bed and I am sitting in the quiet on my own that is when it smacks me in the face. Every night. And the nights are really long when you are alone. Especially when you have sleep issues.

So today is a bad day where I can't hold back the grief any more. Today I cry and feel horrible and upset and tell Jason it's time to come home. Today I feel sorry for myself and have no patience for anyone else's minor dramas. Today I let my grief take over.

Tomorrow will be a new day where I will try to be strong again. 

And you know and you know, 'cos my life's a mess and it's starting to show so before I'm old I'll confess, you think that I'm strong you're wrong, you're wrong

Shave For A Cure

Losing a loved one is one of the hardest things you will ever have to experience. You all know that I know first hand since I lost my beloved hubby coming up two years ago.  If there had of been anything anyone could have done to prevent Jason’s death I would have been the first to raise my hand to do it. Even though his death wasn’t in anyway related to an illness I still want to help others to be able to hold onto their loved ones for as long as possible

One of my best friends is going through the struggle of having her Dad battling with cancer and when she signed up to Shave for Cure and she asked me to I only had a small hesitation before I signed up too.

I’ve joined the Leukaemia & Blood Cancer New Zealand in their effort to get 10,000 people shaving in a mass expression of solidarity. That’s one shavee for each one of the estimated 10,000 New Zealanders living with a blood cancer or condition like leukaemia

Leukaemia & Blood Cancer New Zealand is the national charity dedicated to supporting patients and their families living with blood cancers and related blood conditions, this support can last months or even years.

Life is short, hair grows back

Take the time to make a difference in someone else’s life and sponsor me!!!

Click HERE to sponsor me

photo courtesy of Neetz

Happy First Day of Spring!!

Today is the official first day of Spring here in the Southern Hemisphere. Spring is my favourite season. I LOVE spring flowers, the sun coming back from it's holiday in the North and it just seems to produce good feelings all around.

Spring is the season for new beginnings and I am taking that to heart this year.

Tomorrow is the day I get the keys to the very first house I own. That is exciting. I have decided that Moving into this house is going to be a fresh new start for me and my kids. A brand new chapter in a brand new book.

It's hard to be doing this without Jason. 16mths have gone by and the wound in my heart is still raw and incredibly painful. I miss him terribly. But I have decided that this new house brings us hope and I am determined to begin living my life again.

This is a huge and difficult step for me to make. Taking the first major life step without him in it. And as much as he is going to be a continuous part of our every day lives, it is time for me to stop living in the past. I need to stop with the "If Jason was still here" and the 'If Only ..." "What if ..." and "why?" Jason was, is and ALWAYS will be a part of our lives. But the hard reality is he is never coming back. Dead sadly is forever. And until I let go of my fantasy of him suddenly turning up on the doorstep I can not ever move forward and begin to live. So I am making that decision to take my first step forward. It will be a baby step but a step nonetheless.

So Spring 2011 marks the start of an incredible journey for me. Things will still be hard. I will still cry and grieve and miss my husband. I will still find it difficult to do many things without him. But the difference will be I am also going to be giving myself permission to be happy, to smile, to laugh and to have fun, all guilt free. Because it would be what Jason would want for me, for us as a family.

So HAPPY First Day of Spring!! And to New Beginnings!

Surrounded By Boxes!

This is what I am surrounded with .....



Many many of these .....



I am excited, I can't wait to get to UNPACK. Packing is incredibly frustrating! I really don't enjoy it. But to think that this will be the last time I pack up and the last time I move house for a long time (or ever!) just makes me smile. I have moved A LOT!

Jase and I lived in 9 different houses together. I sure was hoping that we would be making this leap into home ownership together but sadly it isn't to be. Moving into this house is in a way a little bitter sweet. I think about him constantly. He was an awesome packer and organiser. He would have had things sorted and arranged without hesitation. I miss him so much and it still hurts so much but Jase is always with us as long as we keep his memories alive he will always be in our hearts and in our home!

But!! I still can't wait to get into that house and start making it our home!!

Things I'm Loving

I wholeheartedly believe that no matter what is happening in your life, there is always something that you can be thankful for... no matter how simple it is.

This week is a hard week for me to feel thankful. For some reason I am having a tough week, and I also have friends around having a tough week too, which is why I am determined to do this post today, to make me think carefully about what I am thankful about.

I am still camera-less so I will 'steal' some pictures to add to my post!

I am Thankful for my BEAUTIFUL children.


nawwwww look how little they used to be!

I am thankful that I know without a doubt that my husband loved me with his entire being


nawwwwww what a cute couple!

I am thankful for My Mum



I am thankful for Music I haven't listened to in ages and it making me smile when I rediscover it.



I am thankful for:
*FANTASTIC friends to go op shopping with
*Finding AWESOME bargains while op shopping
*Pinterest for AMAZING ideas
*Trade Me for more AWESOME bargains (camera on it's way to me as I type)

Linking Up with Paisley Jade