It's a Tuesday. It's raining. Abbey is home from kindergarten not feeling well. Riley is at school. It is an ordinary day with no special significance.
Today I am feeling like I am in a black hole. I feel so alone. Life right now is overwhelming me. Today I want my husband to be here so bad it hurts.
Why today? What has made today such a hard day? There is no reason other than the fact that Jason is still not here. He hasn't been here for 1 year 10 months and 4 days.
In the beginning everyone told me in time I will feel better. Time will heal me and take away my pain. That is bullshit. I don't think any of those people have ever lost someone they truly loved. Time has made it easier to deal with the day to day things. Time has made it easier to hide my gut wrenching emotions. Time, however, has NOT taken away the pain. Time has NOT made me feel better. Time has NOT healed me. I feel like I still have a gaping hole where my heart should be and I still hurt. Today the weather reflects me. Today I am crying on the outside when normally I do on the inside. I feel dark and cold and stormy. Mostly I just feel very very alone.
I have lots of friends. AMAZING friends. They are supportive, caring and understanding of what I am living through. None of them will ever fill the part of me that is missing. And when I contemplate the fact that I still have a long life to live ahead of me without my soul mate by my side I feel lost. I can fill my day with friends and activities and push back all my emotions and feelings during the day. But after the kids go to bed and I am sitting in the quiet on my own that is when it smacks me in the face. Every night. And the nights are really long when you are alone. Especially when you have sleep issues.
So today is a bad day where I can't hold back the grief any more. Today I cry and feel horrible and upset and tell Jason it's time to come home. Today I feel sorry for myself and have no patience for anyone else's minor dramas. Today I let my grief take over.
Tomorrow will be a new day where I will try to be strong again.
And you know and you know, 'cos my life's a mess and it's starting to show so before I'm old I'll confess, you think that I'm strong you're wrong, you're wrong