Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Bad Day

There is nothing special about today.

It's a Tuesday. It's raining. Abbey is home from kindergarten not feeling well. Riley is at school. It is an ordinary day with no special significance.

Today I am feeling like I am in a black hole. I feel so alone. Life right now is overwhelming me.  Today I want my husband to be here so bad it hurts.

Why today? What has made today such a hard day?  There is no reason other than the fact that Jason is still not here. He hasn't been here for 1 year 10 months and 4 days.

In the beginning everyone told me in time I will feel better. Time will heal me and take away my pain. That is bullshit. I don't think any of those people have ever lost someone they truly loved. Time has made it easier to deal with the day to day things. Time has made it easier to hide my gut wrenching emotions. Time, however, has NOT taken away the pain. Time has NOT made me feel better. Time has NOT healed me. I feel like I still have a gaping hole where my heart should be and I still hurt. Today the weather reflects me. Today I am crying on the outside when normally I do on the inside. I feel dark and cold and stormy. Mostly I just feel very very alone.

I have lots of friends. AMAZING friends. They are supportive, caring and understanding of what I am living through. None of them will ever fill the part of me that is missing. And when I contemplate the fact that I still have a long life to live ahead of me without my soul mate by my side I feel lost. I can fill my day with friends and activities and push back all my emotions and feelings during the day. But after the kids go to bed and I am sitting in the quiet on my own that is when it smacks me in the face. Every night. And the nights are really long when you are alone. Especially when you have sleep issues.

So today is a bad day where I can't hold back the grief any more. Today I cry and feel horrible and upset and tell Jason it's time to come home. Today I feel sorry for myself and have no patience for anyone else's minor dramas. Today I let my grief take over.

Tomorrow will be a new day where I will try to be strong again. 

And you know and you know, 'cos my life's a mess and it's starting to show so before I'm old I'll confess, you think that I'm strong you're wrong, you're wrong


Louise Williams said...

Nothing I can say to heal your hurt or make you feel better, just sending my love and unending admiration for how strong you've been for so long. xx

jacksta said...

♥ hugs ♥

Rachel Kate said...

Thinking of you xo so wish I could make it better

Neetz said...

(hugs) I have lost lots of people I love dearly...and that has hurt like hell... but I have not lost my soul-mate, the love of my life... I find that unimaginable, and I hate to even comprehend that.

I can't take away any of your pain, as much as I wish I could. I can just tell you that you are a wonderful friend, who I treasure, and that I will be here, or there whenever you need....like I know so many of your other wonderful friends are too... with hugs and squeezes. Much love xxx

Kath said...

I read your blog regularly, and dont comment. Today I am. I know your pain and the emptiness you are feeling. It's total shit to say the least, and while time might heal, one day, today is not that day.
I send you hugs, lots of the, cry, let it all out, it wont change anything, it does help, if only a little.

{{{{{{{{{big hugs}}}}}}}

Anonymous said...

I've always maintained the belief that time does NOT heal, you only learn in time to live with the grief. I lost my dear mummy 19 years ago in August and I still miss her terribly. But with time I have learned to live without her. I know it's not the same situation as you Trace and I would never pretend to know what you're going through, but just know that I care and hurt for you ((hugs))

Jenny said...

What all the others have said. HUGS

Leonie said...

Love you my beautiful friend. I admire you for being so honest and sharing with us what its really like. I wish I could take away that pain for you.. or even better still, bring back Jason... wishful thinking.

Im sorry you are having such a hard day today. Lots of love and hugs across the sea

Cat said...

I'm sorry today is a bad day ;'( I wish I could make it better ;'( that there was something/anything to take away your pain ;'(
Know you are in my thoughts OFTEN
♥ hugs ♥

mandyb said...

oh crap!!!

i know how bad it feels to be alone but cannot relate to your loss!!!

im sorry you feel like this and if i had one wish i would make him come back to you!!!

my heart aches for you!!!

Better Scrapbooking Ltd said...

Oh Tracy, I am so sorry you had such a bad day. I really appreciate the way you can share what you are feeling. I wish there was a way to help take the pain away, but I can't. Just know that I and your other friends care about you. If you ever need a shoulder to cry on, we are all there for you.
With the people that truly love you, you do not need to be strong, just be you.
Take care beautiful lady. We love you.