The Ultimate Search

I have been doing a lot of soul searching over the last few weeks. Contemplating life and what it means.
There are massive questions about God and what happens to us after we die etc etc etc, But I am not talking about that kind of meaning of life. (You can read about my feelings about that HERE)

What I am talking about is Love.

Why are we here?
I believe we are here because of love.

Without love what are we?
Love creates life.
Love turns people into new people.
Love makes people Happy, Sad, Angry, Desperate.

Why when love can be SO painful do we continue to crave it?

I have been in love. I know how AMAZING it can be. When you have real love, love where the other person loves you as much as you love them, it is the most beautiful and amazing thing in the world.

Love isn't just between a man and a woman.
I love my children unconditionally. They are my world. They in turn love me unconditionally.
If only we could all love the way children do, it would be a much better place to live in.

Everything is geared up with love as a focus. TV, Movies, Songs, Books - pretty much ALL based around a love story. We are absolutely swamped with it, and I guess that is why we become so obsessed with it.

Girls give away their bodies searching, boys do stupid things to try to impress while searching. We feel incomplete without a relationship. But at what cost? How many people settle for less just because they are too afraid to be alone?

Why do I feel like I am a slave to love. I am desperate to find someone to share my life with, but why?
Am I afraid to be alone?
Why do I feel like I need a partner to complete me?
Is it because Jason left such a gaping hole in my life I am trying to fill it?

I think it is because I knew true, amazing, pure love and I know how spectacular that is. I desperately want that feeling in my life again. That feeling of happiness, security, stability, bliss.

Don't get me wrong, Jason was by far not perfect, and neither was our relationship. We saw each others imperfections but loved each other anyway. We worked through our issues and came to compromises and conclusions rather than giving up at the first sign of trouble. That is what real love should be like. Hold no grudges, work through issues, forget about the past.

The thing is though, we are never going to find love when and how we want to. Love is not going to solve all our problems or make us happy. Love is not going to fix our problems or get us a better job.
The truth is no one else can make you happy. No one else can make changes in your life to make your life better. Love can certainly enhance your life but not fix it.

The only person who can make you happy is YOU. Unless you love yourself and are happy within yourself you can't make the changes you need to make your life better for you then no one else is going to be able to help you.

I've taken the last almost 5yrs to get to know the unmarried me. It took me 4yrs to be ready to even begin to look for a new relationship. I have learnt a lot over the last year of dating. I have been knocked down a couple times but I have come back stronger and wiser and more ready than ever.
I know what I want, Now the tick is to find him!!!

2015

Wow, last year I blogged 6 times.
I figured I might be over the blogging thing, that I might not need it anymore, that I have nothing else to share.

It's only 4 days into 2015 and it's already being a tough one.

Last year a met a wonderful man. We dated, he moved in, we fell in love. We went through some good and not so good stuff together and then a week after Christmas, quite unexpectedly to me, he ended it.

I'm not angry.

I am sad and upset and confused.

I will be ok. I know that because I got through losing Jason, and honestly this is nothing compared to that. But it still hurts. A lot.

It kind of brings me to what I want to talk about.

It took me 4 years to start dating after Jason died. WOW what an unexpected emotional roller coaster it has been.
I have been on a few dates with a few different guys.
I have dated a couple for a while.
I fell in love even.

But Jason was still always on my mind. And the feelings of guilt and betrayal were hard things to overcome. But I worked through them. And yes, sadly, the relationship I thought might be the next "one" didn't turn out to be but as I sit here feeling sorry for myself and wondering what I did wrong, I also think "wow" look how far I have come. Look at what I have overcome to get to this stage and place in my life.

I have this flaw, and it's that I care too much too quickly. You see I have had my husband, my Grandmother and my Father all die quickly and unexpectedly in the last 4 1/2 years.  It kind of reiterates to me that Life is short. You need to grab the bull by the horns and ride it. You have NO idea what is going to happen tomorrow. Yeah I suppose that this philosophy may have caused me too much hurt, but in amongst the hurt was experience, fun, happiness. I learnt a lot from my last relationship. I had experiences I have never had before and as much as it hurts like heck right now I have no regrets. Maybe, if there is a next time, I will have learnt enough to make a better, stronger, more amazing relationship with someone.

Really at the end of the day it will be better to say "OMG what a knob I was for doing that" than having to say "I really wish I had of given that a go"

Go check out this AMAZING blog - Bone Marrow For Life. 
Raymond lost his Love to Cancer. Such a horrible disease, He was one of the rocks in my life when my Jason died. (read about that HERE) I read his blog and I smile because I know that yes he is in pain and yes life sucks but he is going to be ok.
Someone else who has the same philosophy as me - I love his catch phrase ....

Live a life you are proud of.

Be Better. Love Better.

So I challenge you in 2015 to step out of your comfort zone and LIVE!!! Challenge yourself, do the things you always wished you could do. Don't wait until tomorrow because tomorrow might just not happen.

Tell the people who you love that you love them, spend time on things you are passionate about and most of all MAKE NO EXCUSES!!!!

Lonely

You know some days I get overwhelmed with my loneliness.
I have been on my own for 3 years and 3 months.

Before Jason came into my life I had flatmates, before that I lived at home with my family. I have never just lived on my own. The kids are here but as much as I love their company I crave that person I can download my day to. Talk about little things to that I wouldn't talk to my kids about.

The thought had crossed my mind about getting a flatmate. But that in itself causes issues. What if that person doesn't fit into our lifestyle. I won't be able to walk from the bathroom to my bedroom with no clothes on anymore. Our open door policy would have to change. But would it be worth doing to not be so lonely?

Then we get into the scary topic of relationships. Am I ready to begin a journey of finding someone new to share my life with? And how on earth do I even begin in that realm!?!?!?

Everything is so scary.
And by scary I mean terrifying.

I know I will get over this feeling .. eventually.  Like everything you always have your good moments and your bad moments, and lately I've just been having a bad moment.

Like all storms this one will pass.

My Relationship with Facebook

When I first signed up for a Facebook account back in August 2007 (Thanks FB timeline!) I had no idea how much a massive part of my life it would become.

I love the social media part of it. If not for Facebook I wouldn't have re-connected and re-kindled with old friends or be able to keep as up to date with overseas and out of town family members.

Before Jase died we both were on Facebook. It was cute to send little notes to each other, he'd often embarrass me with his status updates, but I would be on once or twice a day and that was pretty much it.

Facebook for me when Jason died was a LIFESAVER.
95% of our friends found out about his death on the 6 o'clock news and my phone after 6pm went crazy. I went onto Facebook and said ...

Tracy Palmer
16 May 2010
Thanks to all your well wishes, prayers and thoughts. I am not taking any calls at present but feel free to txt or message me here .. I cannot begin to describe how my world is tumbling down right now Love to you all

The phone calls stopped but the messages on Facebook came pouring in. Every night before I went to bed I would sit down and read every single message. Sometimes I would say stuff, sometimes not. It was wonderful to be able to hear from all my friends, know that they were all with me in spirit without actually having to talk to anyone. I am forever grateful for all the messages and support via Facebook from my friends and family.

I now find I am on Facebook ALL the time. I am checking in several times a day. I am updating with things I wouldn't have before.

I sat down and thought about it one day. Why do I have to be on here all the time. Why can't I just be satisfied to turn the darn thing off?
And I came to the realisation that Facebook is my Jason substitute. My Adult company. My sounding board.

When Jason was around he was here to make comments about TV shows with, he was here to small talk with or have deep and meaningful conversations with. He was my sounding board, I would throw ideas with him, share silly things the kids had done with him and tell him all my thoughts. I don't have anyone here to do that with any more so I turn to Facebook. I have friends who take over that role now. They give me feedback, advice, comfort, assurance and even knock the sense into me sometimes. They share my children's achievements and silliness. The good and bad times. And when I think about it like that I don't feel so bad about checking in so often. I don't feel so bad sharing as much as I do. I don't feel like it is taking over my life, it's just a part of it.

I am on the Internet way too much, I totally know that. But coming to an understanding of why I am is the first step in finding a balance.

I'll never give it up, or take a massive break (unless I'm away) I owe way too much to the computer. I met some of my best friends via the Internet, heck I met my husband online! Some of these friends I talk to every single day, and they live in different towns to me. I love sharing my life with them and I love them sharing their lives with me.

In the long run Facebook makes me feel less alone.