The Ultimate Search

I have been doing a lot of soul searching over the last few weeks. Contemplating life and what it means.
There are massive questions about God and what happens to us after we die etc etc etc, But I am not talking about that kind of meaning of life. (You can read about my feelings about that HERE)

What I am talking about is Love.

Why are we here?
I believe we are here because of love.

Without love what are we?
Love creates life.
Love turns people into new people.
Love makes people Happy, Sad, Angry, Desperate.

Why when love can be SO painful do we continue to crave it?

I have been in love. I know how AMAZING it can be. When you have real love, love where the other person loves you as much as you love them, it is the most beautiful and amazing thing in the world.

Love isn't just between a man and a woman.
I love my children unconditionally. They are my world. They in turn love me unconditionally.
If only we could all love the way children do, it would be a much better place to live in.

Everything is geared up with love as a focus. TV, Movies, Songs, Books - pretty much ALL based around a love story. We are absolutely swamped with it, and I guess that is why we become so obsessed with it.

Girls give away their bodies searching, boys do stupid things to try to impress while searching. We feel incomplete without a relationship. But at what cost? How many people settle for less just because they are too afraid to be alone?

Why do I feel like I am a slave to love. I am desperate to find someone to share my life with, but why?
Am I afraid to be alone?
Why do I feel like I need a partner to complete me?
Is it because Jason left such a gaping hole in my life I am trying to fill it?

I think it is because I knew true, amazing, pure love and I know how spectacular that is. I desperately want that feeling in my life again. That feeling of happiness, security, stability, bliss.

Don't get me wrong, Jason was by far not perfect, and neither was our relationship. We saw each others imperfections but loved each other anyway. We worked through our issues and came to compromises and conclusions rather than giving up at the first sign of trouble. That is what real love should be like. Hold no grudges, work through issues, forget about the past.

The thing is though, we are never going to find love when and how we want to. Love is not going to solve all our problems or make us happy. Love is not going to fix our problems or get us a better job.
The truth is no one else can make you happy. No one else can make changes in your life to make your life better. Love can certainly enhance your life but not fix it.

The only person who can make you happy is YOU. Unless you love yourself and are happy within yourself you can't make the changes you need to make your life better for you then no one else is going to be able to help you.

I've taken the last almost 5yrs to get to know the unmarried me. It took me 4yrs to be ready to even begin to look for a new relationship. I have learnt a lot over the last year of dating. I have been knocked down a couple times but I have come back stronger and wiser and more ready than ever.
I know what I want, Now the tick is to find him!!!

Betrayal

I have been in a few relationships since I was a teenager, there were a few before Jason and have now been a few after. I don't regret dating any of them, except one.

I have learnt some very valuable lessons over the last few months about trust, honesty, deceit and betrayal.

I come from a good family, a great family in fact. I am a little innocent and naive when it comes to many different "bad" things in this world. So when I met this person who came from a completely different world to me I had no idea what to expect. And once I found out about this world it was too late to back out, I was already too emotionally invested. The saddest thing was I found out about the world but he insisted it was all in the past. I am not sure why I believed him. I am not sure why I trusted him. They do say love is blind and I guess because of my feelings for him I WANTED to believe and trust him.

Sadly he was still living in his world big time. He lied, stole, cheated, and was involved in all this "bad" stuff. I was too naive and trusting to take in the signs. My friends saw how happy I was and also chose to ignore the signs. But as I look back there were plenty of signs.

I feel like I have been ripped from the inside out. How can someone I loved so much, trusted so much and invested so much into do this to me?
How could he flatly lie to me right in my face?
How could anyone take advantage of someone's kindness, love and generosity so much?

Because he is not from, and never will be from my world.

I have learnt about deceit, dishonesty, lying and cheating. Something no one should have to learn about in such a way.

It makes me sick to think that he lived in my house, bonded with my children, met many of my family & friends. He did all this and was betraying me the whole time.

This experience hasn't put me off dating. I am hurt for sure. But out of all the guys I have dated over the years this is the first truly BAD egg. So when you think about it the percentages aren't so bad. There is hope.

One of my friends said don't let one jerk put you off finding your Prince Charming. I said to her I already found him, and then he died.

I often wonder if I am being selfish and greedy for wanting to find love again when some people never get to experience the love that Jason and I had.

But I am young, and I have a long life ahead of me and I really don't want to spend it alone. My kids are going to leave home one day and then what?

My Grandad just celebrated his 90th Birthday - can I imagine the next almost 60 years on my own? 

Heck No.

So I guess in time I will put myself out there again. I will brave the masses, risk my heart and feelings to try find that someone special. 

Because Life is there for living and Love is one of the greatest parts of life!!