The Ultimate Search

I have been doing a lot of soul searching over the last few weeks. Contemplating life and what it means.
There are massive questions about God and what happens to us after we die etc etc etc, But I am not talking about that kind of meaning of life. (You can read about my feelings about that HERE)

What I am talking about is Love.

Why are we here?
I believe we are here because of love.

Without love what are we?
Love creates life.
Love turns people into new people.
Love makes people Happy, Sad, Angry, Desperate.

Why when love can be SO painful do we continue to crave it?

I have been in love. I know how AMAZING it can be. When you have real love, love where the other person loves you as much as you love them, it is the most beautiful and amazing thing in the world.

Love isn't just between a man and a woman.
I love my children unconditionally. They are my world. They in turn love me unconditionally.
If only we could all love the way children do, it would be a much better place to live in.

Everything is geared up with love as a focus. TV, Movies, Songs, Books - pretty much ALL based around a love story. We are absolutely swamped with it, and I guess that is why we become so obsessed with it.

Girls give away their bodies searching, boys do stupid things to try to impress while searching. We feel incomplete without a relationship. But at what cost? How many people settle for less just because they are too afraid to be alone?

Why do I feel like I am a slave to love. I am desperate to find someone to share my life with, but why?
Am I afraid to be alone?
Why do I feel like I need a partner to complete me?
Is it because Jason left such a gaping hole in my life I am trying to fill it?

I think it is because I knew true, amazing, pure love and I know how spectacular that is. I desperately want that feeling in my life again. That feeling of happiness, security, stability, bliss.

Don't get me wrong, Jason was by far not perfect, and neither was our relationship. We saw each others imperfections but loved each other anyway. We worked through our issues and came to compromises and conclusions rather than giving up at the first sign of trouble. That is what real love should be like. Hold no grudges, work through issues, forget about the past.

The thing is though, we are never going to find love when and how we want to. Love is not going to solve all our problems or make us happy. Love is not going to fix our problems or get us a better job.
The truth is no one else can make you happy. No one else can make changes in your life to make your life better. Love can certainly enhance your life but not fix it.

The only person who can make you happy is YOU. Unless you love yourself and are happy within yourself you can't make the changes you need to make your life better for you then no one else is going to be able to help you.

I've taken the last almost 5yrs to get to know the unmarried me. It took me 4yrs to be ready to even begin to look for a new relationship. I have learnt a lot over the last year of dating. I have been knocked down a couple times but I have come back stronger and wiser and more ready than ever.
I know what I want, Now the tick is to find him!!!

Betrayal

I have been in a few relationships since I was a teenager, there were a few before Jason and have now been a few after. I don't regret dating any of them, except one.

I have learnt some very valuable lessons over the last few months about trust, honesty, deceit and betrayal.

I come from a good family, a great family in fact. I am a little innocent and naive when it comes to many different "bad" things in this world. So when I met this person who came from a completely different world to me I had no idea what to expect. And once I found out about this world it was too late to back out, I was already too emotionally invested. The saddest thing was I found out about the world but he insisted it was all in the past. I am not sure why I believed him. I am not sure why I trusted him. They do say love is blind and I guess because of my feelings for him I WANTED to believe and trust him.

Sadly he was still living in his world big time. He lied, stole, cheated, and was involved in all this "bad" stuff. I was too naive and trusting to take in the signs. My friends saw how happy I was and also chose to ignore the signs. But as I look back there were plenty of signs.

I feel like I have been ripped from the inside out. How can someone I loved so much, trusted so much and invested so much into do this to me?
How could he flatly lie to me right in my face?
How could anyone take advantage of someone's kindness, love and generosity so much?

Because he is not from, and never will be from my world.

I have learnt about deceit, dishonesty, lying and cheating. Something no one should have to learn about in such a way.

It makes me sick to think that he lived in my house, bonded with my children, met many of my family & friends. He did all this and was betraying me the whole time.

This experience hasn't put me off dating. I am hurt for sure. But out of all the guys I have dated over the years this is the first truly BAD egg. So when you think about it the percentages aren't so bad. There is hope.

One of my friends said don't let one jerk put you off finding your Prince Charming. I said to her I already found him, and then he died.

I often wonder if I am being selfish and greedy for wanting to find love again when some people never get to experience the love that Jason and I had.

But I am young, and I have a long life ahead of me and I really don't want to spend it alone. My kids are going to leave home one day and then what?

My Grandad just celebrated his 90th Birthday - can I imagine the next almost 60 years on my own? 

Heck No.

So I guess in time I will put myself out there again. I will brave the masses, risk my heart and feelings to try find that someone special. 

Because Life is there for living and Love is one of the greatest parts of life!!

2015

Wow, last year I blogged 6 times.
I figured I might be over the blogging thing, that I might not need it anymore, that I have nothing else to share.

It's only 4 days into 2015 and it's already being a tough one.

Last year a met a wonderful man. We dated, he moved in, we fell in love. We went through some good and not so good stuff together and then a week after Christmas, quite unexpectedly to me, he ended it.

I'm not angry.

I am sad and upset and confused.

I will be ok. I know that because I got through losing Jason, and honestly this is nothing compared to that. But it still hurts. A lot.

It kind of brings me to what I want to talk about.

It took me 4 years to start dating after Jason died. WOW what an unexpected emotional roller coaster it has been.
I have been on a few dates with a few different guys.
I have dated a couple for a while.
I fell in love even.

But Jason was still always on my mind. And the feelings of guilt and betrayal were hard things to overcome. But I worked through them. And yes, sadly, the relationship I thought might be the next "one" didn't turn out to be but as I sit here feeling sorry for myself and wondering what I did wrong, I also think "wow" look how far I have come. Look at what I have overcome to get to this stage and place in my life.

I have this flaw, and it's that I care too much too quickly. You see I have had my husband, my Grandmother and my Father all die quickly and unexpectedly in the last 4 1/2 years.  It kind of reiterates to me that Life is short. You need to grab the bull by the horns and ride it. You have NO idea what is going to happen tomorrow. Yeah I suppose that this philosophy may have caused me too much hurt, but in amongst the hurt was experience, fun, happiness. I learnt a lot from my last relationship. I had experiences I have never had before and as much as it hurts like heck right now I have no regrets. Maybe, if there is a next time, I will have learnt enough to make a better, stronger, more amazing relationship with someone.

Really at the end of the day it will be better to say "OMG what a knob I was for doing that" than having to say "I really wish I had of given that a go"

Go check out this AMAZING blog - Bone Marrow For Life. 
Raymond lost his Love to Cancer. Such a horrible disease, He was one of the rocks in my life when my Jason died. (read about that HERE) I read his blog and I smile because I know that yes he is in pain and yes life sucks but he is going to be ok.
Someone else who has the same philosophy as me - I love his catch phrase ....

Live a life you are proud of.

Be Better. Love Better.

So I challenge you in 2015 to step out of your comfort zone and LIVE!!! Challenge yourself, do the things you always wished you could do. Don't wait until tomorrow because tomorrow might just not happen.

Tell the people who you love that you love them, spend time on things you are passionate about and most of all MAKE NO EXCUSES!!!!

Woe is Me and all that Crap

It has been a while since I blogged. I feel pretty meh about it all but something I saw today has made me want to express my thoughts and feelings.

2 weeks ago my Beautiful Dad passed away. He was only 62. It was VERY sudden and unexpected. Minor surgery caused complications that in the end were fatal. To be honest I am still in shock and don't think that the reality of my Dad not being here anymore has really sunk in.

My Mum is absolutely devastated, as you could imagine. Losing your soul mate is a heart wrenching affair, I know I've been there. I want to be there for my Mum as much as I possibly can, she has always been my rock and I want to be able to be hers too, however it is sometimes difficult as I am also reeling over the fact that my Dad is gone.

November 1997 my Dad was in a horrific work accident which almost killed him. He was knocked down by a 10 ton concrete panel which fell off his truck on top of him. He had some pretty major injuries and spent the next 8 months in hospital. The biggest of these injuries was he damaged his spinal cord and became a paraplegic. The last, almost, 17 years have been a struggle for my parents. They have both had to learn to live with a major disability and their relationship changes would have been quite epic. I have always admired and adored the obvious love and affection my parents had for each other. I was one of the lucky ones with parents still together at high school. To go through all that life changing trauma and my parents came out still with this amazing love for one another.

Despite the fact that I wish my Dad was still here and that my Mum wasn't on her own, I can't help but be somewhat relieved that my Dad doesn't have to go through old age as a paraplegic. Life was already beginning to get difficult for him and he had already been through so much. He will be at peace now and his legs will be working again in heaven, possibly kicking my husbands butt for not being here for me!

In my 37years of life I have had to deal with a bit, not as much as some, but still more than I believe I should have. I have had a sheltered life as far as the fact that I had a great childhood, I have never wanted for food or shelter or love. I've never known addiction or abuse.  But the trauma of having my Dad almost die and become a paraplegic, losing my own husband and now my Dad way too early have certainly paid a toll.

I feel like I have an excuse, somewhat, to become a bitter, cynical depressive.
But I am not.

I understand that depression is a mental illness. For some people. Those kind of people suffer in silence and struggle on a daily basis to function in a "normal" fashion.

Today I saw a "Woe is me, no one cares and no one will miss me when I am gone" post. In my personal opinion that is not depression, it is attention seeking. Ever noticed how negative behaviour attracts negative outcomes?

I choose to not be negative. I chose to see my glass half full. It's taken me a REALLY long time after Jason's death for me to get here. The main thing is I have 2 beautiful children who I don't want growing up hating the world. Yes shit happens. No it isn't fair. There is nothing we can do about a lot of it. I can't bring Jason or my Dad back, but would they be happy if I was wallowing in misery? Of course not. It doesn't mean I am not ever going to be sad, or grieving. It doesn't mean I won't get angry or upset. What it means is I won't let the anger and sadness take over my life.

I have hope for a wonderful life for my children. I want them to grow up thinking WOW this is life and it is AMAZING. I want them to live and experience life in abundance.

If you don't think anyone cares about you, or things are going wrong, and when I say this I don't mean major things like cancer, or redundancy or death. I mean things like I can't afford a new car, I have no friends, the dog shat on the carpet. Have a serious look at yourself. Because, in my opinion, 95% of your problems are exactly that. YOUR problems. Don't like it? Change it. Change your attitude to life and see what amazing things can happen. Don't whinge about it to people who actually have REAL problems in their lives. We hate that.

And for those people who do have real shit going on, I salute you and send you as much strength as I can, especially right now to my Mum.

4 Years Today .....

Another year has gone by without you.

The grief I feel for your loss isn't constant any more, it comes in like the tide in ebbs and waves.  Somedays are stormy and the grief swell overwhelms me. Other days are calm and peaceful.

So much has happened in this last year. We are all growing and changing.

Riley is a senior at school. He is fast turning from a boy into a young man. Everyday he is looking more and more like you. He hurts as much as I do. We were talking about around the time you died. He remembers as much as I do. He says little but feels much.

Abbey is growing like a weed. She is going to be a handful when she hits puberty. She has your cheeky sense of humor and your sparkle and smile. She misses the thought of you. She doesn't remember what it was like to have a loving Dad. She has had more life without you now than with you.

I am at an emotional cross-roads. I love you with the same intensity as I did before, that will never change. But I am so lonely. I have started dating. It's confusing, especially at the times like this when I am feeling so much sadness at your loss but also feeling excitement for the upcoming date I have. I miss you everyday you aren't here. I still cry, although not so much as I used to. My heart is still aching and the hole you left will never be filled.

I am strong, and brave. I have found myself, the me without you. I quite like her. She is spirited, funny, cute, quirky, creative and filled with love. I know I am lovable and worth loving because YOU loved me. You loved me with your everything. I am glad I know that. I am so privileged to have had the whole heart of an amazing man in my hands. So many people live their whole lives not having the kind of love we shared. For that love I am greatful. For that 8 years we had together I am thankful.  I really hope that one day I get to hold someones heart like that again, and they can hold mine too.

Today, like the last 3 years we will be at Spring Hill Prison. Sitting in your memorial garden. Remembering, reflecting, grieving your loss.
I will leave my 8 orange gerberas. I will think of you, as I do everyday.

I will LIVE my life to honor yours. I will teach our children the power of love and the importance of life and the importance of people. We will live our lives and live them well.
We will NEVER forget you, your love or our love for you.

You will always be in our hearts.

alwaysforeverandeternity

Your Princess xxxx

When it Happened
Year One
Year Two
Year Three

Christmas Grief

I was doing ok.
I have been sooo busy I haven't had much time to think.
But it snuck up and surprised me.

I miss my husband more than ever around this time of year.

Christmas is all about family to me. So having Jason not here really hurts. A lot.
I watch my friends prepare for Christmas, see them working together with the men in their lives putting together kids presents, seeing Dads getting involved at end of year parties. My heart aches.

My heart aches that my kids don't have a Daddy to love them.
My heart aches that I don't have my best friend to hold my hand.
My heart aches for the life we are missing out on.

This will be the 4th Christmas without Jason.
It hasn't got any easier.
Yes life is going well for us. We are coping well. I have a really great routine going and we are working great as a little family of 3.
But this time of year is still hard.
Especially when the feelings sneak up on you unexpectedly.
I should have known they were coming. But they still surprised me. I really thought that after all this time I might deal with it better.
But the tears still flow and my chest feels tight and my heart aches.

And I miss him so very much.

Father's Day

Father's Day is coming up this weekend. We are inundated with TV, Radio, Junk Mail advertisements for Father's Day.

This year is the first year Abbey has really noticed the fact that she doesn't have a Dad.

She was only 2 when her Daddy died.  She doesn't remember him.

Abbey on the Day her Daddy died

The first thing that triggered this for Abbey was having a Dad's night at Pippins.  She told her leaders that her Dad died so she didn't have a Dad. They said that she could bring her Grandad or big brother or someone else if she wanted.

My Dad stepped up and went with Abbey to Pippins, she was the only one there who didn't have a Dad. She really noticed that.

She has been drawing a lot of pictures of her and her Daddy holding hands, she has written a few letters to her Daddy and he is the constant topic of conversation for her at the moment.  For the first time I think she is finally realising what it all means.

And of course it breaks my heart.

I am a good Mum and I do all I can for my kids but I can not be a Dad.

I wish I could make this right and fix it for her but all I can do is be here for her to answer her questions and let her know how much her Daddy loved, adored and cherished her.

Life is really hard some days, especially when it is hard for your kids.

Year 3

When it Happened
Year 1
Year 2

3 Years.

So much has happened.

I own a house, I have a shop. The kids have grown. We are a family of 3.

We still talk about you EVERYDAY.  The empty seat at the table and the passenger seat in the car are "Daddy's Seats".  We discuss how proud you would be of us, our achievements. We talk about what you would have done in that situation. We talk about the things you achieved, how proud we are of you. We talk about how much we love and miss you. We cherish the things we have that remind us of you. We often look at photos and laugh and remember the fun family times we had.

We carry on without you.

I wear a mask, I hide, I act. I cry, I yell, I get angry, I weep. I have nightmares. I have insomnia. I'm on antidepressants. My heart aches everyday. I hurt. I'm lonely, I'm scared. I am still grieving.

I'm strong, I'm independent, I'm brave. I am surviving, I am living, I am moving forward.

I love you, I miss you, I need you.

I am going to be ok.

Today I will sit in your memorial garden and reflect. I will lay flowers in the garden, 8 orange gerberas.  8 for the wonderful 8 years we had together, orange so you know they are from me, gerberas because they were our wedding flowers. I will wish that you are here. I will probably cry. I will think about how different things would have been had you not died. I will wonder at where we would have been. I will grieve for the life we should have had.

Tomorrow I will carry on. I will visit friends. We will laugh we will have fun. We will go about our day. I will still think of you. But I won't stop living. And I do it for you. For you I keep on keeping on. I will never forget when you were in America and I cried and sobbed and said it was too hard without you here. You said to me "Be strong for me baby, and look after our babies" so I do. I am strong for you baby, and I look after our babies, even though they aren't babies anymore. I will do that for you, everyday.

3 Years.

30 Day Challenge

Day 26 - A Photo Of Somewhere You Want To Go

Grafton National Cemetery, West Virginia, United States of America

Weird place to want to visit?

Perhaps.

But that is where my husband was laid to rest. I haven't been there yet. I need to go. I need to see where he is. I need to put flowers at his grave site and weep. I need to do this. So here is where I want to go.

30 Day Challenge

Day #5 - What Makes You Different From Everyone Else?

Give me an easy question please!!!

I don't see myself as anything exceptional. I am just a plain Jane ordinary girl from a small city in a small country. I have been through quite a bit in my life though, things that not many people I know have had to experience.

My Dad had a horrific work accident when I was 20. He is very lucky to be alive, but he became a paraplegic because of it.

Almost 3 years ago my Husband who was 33 was killed by a Prison Inmate in the Prison he had worked at for only 6mths.

These two massive events make me different to other people. I have a real insight into the sayings "Life Is Short" "Seize The Day" and "You Never Know What is Waiting Around the Corner"

Both of those major traumatic events happened very unexpectedly. Both of them changed me in a dramatic way.

I have become less patient and tolerant of other peoples petty issues, well to me they are petty. It has also made me more independent, resilient and strong. There have been as many silver linings from my tragedies as sadness. I have lost people who I thought were friends and learnt the meaning of true friendship. I have learnt life lessons I hope none of my friends or family ever have to learn in the same way.

So what makes me different to everyone else? I am a survivor. I have been to the depths of despair and crawled my way back out that hole and I have survived. I plan to continue to survive. I will do my best by myself and my children and I sure hope that they don't have to become survivors as well.

Because without the rain there would never be a rainbow.