The Ultimate Search

I have been doing a lot of soul searching over the last few weeks. Contemplating life and what it means.
There are massive questions about God and what happens to us after we die etc etc etc, But I am not talking about that kind of meaning of life. (You can read about my feelings about that HERE)

What I am talking about is Love.

Why are we here?
I believe we are here because of love.

Without love what are we?
Love creates life.
Love turns people into new people.
Love makes people Happy, Sad, Angry, Desperate.

Why when love can be SO painful do we continue to crave it?

I have been in love. I know how AMAZING it can be. When you have real love, love where the other person loves you as much as you love them, it is the most beautiful and amazing thing in the world.

Love isn't just between a man and a woman.
I love my children unconditionally. They are my world. They in turn love me unconditionally.
If only we could all love the way children do, it would be a much better place to live in.

Everything is geared up with love as a focus. TV, Movies, Songs, Books - pretty much ALL based around a love story. We are absolutely swamped with it, and I guess that is why we become so obsessed with it.

Girls give away their bodies searching, boys do stupid things to try to impress while searching. We feel incomplete without a relationship. But at what cost? How many people settle for less just because they are too afraid to be alone?

Why do I feel like I am a slave to love. I am desperate to find someone to share my life with, but why?
Am I afraid to be alone?
Why do I feel like I need a partner to complete me?
Is it because Jason left such a gaping hole in my life I am trying to fill it?

I think it is because I knew true, amazing, pure love and I know how spectacular that is. I desperately want that feeling in my life again. That feeling of happiness, security, stability, bliss.

Don't get me wrong, Jason was by far not perfect, and neither was our relationship. We saw each others imperfections but loved each other anyway. We worked through our issues and came to compromises and conclusions rather than giving up at the first sign of trouble. That is what real love should be like. Hold no grudges, work through issues, forget about the past.

The thing is though, we are never going to find love when and how we want to. Love is not going to solve all our problems or make us happy. Love is not going to fix our problems or get us a better job.
The truth is no one else can make you happy. No one else can make changes in your life to make your life better. Love can certainly enhance your life but not fix it.

The only person who can make you happy is YOU. Unless you love yourself and are happy within yourself you can't make the changes you need to make your life better for you then no one else is going to be able to help you.

I've taken the last almost 5yrs to get to know the unmarried me. It took me 4yrs to be ready to even begin to look for a new relationship. I have learnt a lot over the last year of dating. I have been knocked down a couple times but I have come back stronger and wiser and more ready than ever.
I know what I want, Now the tick is to find him!!!

Things I'm Loving

I wholeheartedly believe that no matter what is happening in your life, there is always something you can be thankful for..no matter how simple it is.

When you lose your loved one in a manner I lost my husband, through the deliberate violence of another person, you sort of lose faith in humanity. 

How can one person so cruelly take another persons life, and then not even care about how he has ruined the lives of so many people, and feel no remorse, and then repeat the same actions that took away that life, twice more.

I don't understand.

There is hope though.

Since Jason's death I have met the most AMAZING people ever. Selfless, caring, giving and loving people who have filled my life with HOPE. So many amazing people have done some amazing things for me over the last 3 years.
This story is one of the most special to me.

It started with a blog post and a quilt. My bloggy friend Cat from Catalina's Cottage made a beautiful quilt for her bed using the fabric from her daughters toddler clothes.
Sitting in the garage I had a whole suitcase of Jason's clothes that I had wanted to make a quilt out of for a long time. The thing is I don't sew!! I mentioned to Cat on that blog post that I wanted to do that to Jason's clothes and the next thing I get an email from Cat

I've been thinking about a comment you left on my blog re Jason's clothes 

And wanted to talk to you about using some to make you a quilt of love

I've spoken with some of the Whangarei girls over the weekend about the idea i had hatching 

But obviously due to the sensitivity i couldn't surprise you . . .

You mentioned having Jason's clothes still - 

I'd like to make you a quilt of love incorporating some if these - if you'd like ??

Similar to the one on my bed 

Similar to the one Deb made Cam

Similar to the one we made Sammy

I'll let you think it over - just know there are lots if us that want to do this for you if your ok with it - 

xxx

Lots of love precious 

xxx

 I was overwhelmed. Of course I said yes.

Boxing up those clothes and getting them to Cat was WAY harder than anticipated. 3 Months after that email I finally sent them off.

There were shorts, shirts, ties, PJs, Jeans and his Corrections uniform.

Then Cat got to work.

As far as I was aware the beautiful Cat and Leonie were the ones who were doing the work on the quilt. Little was I to know that behind the scenes there were A LOT more of my friends, family and people I had never met involved too.

Yesterday my Mum and I drove down to Auckland to have lunch with Cat and pick up the completed quilt.
I was blown away when not only Leonie arrived but a few other friends who had been secretly involved the whole time.

It was a wonderful catch up and lunch as the whole secret story of what was happening behind the scenes was revealed. I am not really someone who likes being the centre of attention so having this AMAZING thing all set up just for me was very overwhelming.

Then out came the quilt.

I was BLOWN away. It was more amazing and spectacular than I had ever imagined.

As soon as I got home I put it on my bed. I stretched out on it and cried.  Every piece of clothing on there has memories. I get to see these and cuddle with them every night, and knowing that it was made with so much love by so many amazing people makes it priceless.

Those of you involved (you know who you are, too many to mention you all!!) THANK YOU.  From the bottom of my heart. I will never be able to say thank you enough, ever.

To see more check out Cat's posts
Quilt of Love Pt1
Quilt of Love Pt2
Quilt of Love Pt3

Also Leeanne who did all the spectacular quilting
A Special Quilt