Thursday, May 16, 2013

Year 3

When it Happened
Year 1
Year 2

3 Years.

So much has happened.

I own a house, I have a shop. The kids have grown. We are a family of 3.

We still talk about you EVERYDAY.  The empty seat at the table and the passenger seat in the car are "Daddy's Seats".  We discuss how proud you would be of us, our achievements. We talk about what you would have done in that situation. We talk about the things you achieved, how proud we are of you. We talk about how much we love and miss you. We cherish the things we have that remind us of you. We often look at photos and laugh and remember the fun family times we had.

We carry on without you.

I wear a mask, I hide, I act. I cry, I yell, I get angry, I weep. I have nightmares. I have insomnia. I'm on antidepressants. My heart aches everyday. I hurt. I'm lonely, I'm scared. I am still grieving.

I'm strong, I'm independent, I'm brave. I am surviving, I am living, I am moving forward.

I love you, I miss you, I need you.

I am going to be ok.

Today I will sit in your memorial garden and reflect. I will lay flowers in the garden, 8 orange gerberas.  8 for the wonderful 8 years we had together, orange so you know they are from me, gerberas because they were our wedding flowers. I will wish that you are here. I will probably cry. I will think about how different things would have been had you not died. I will wonder at where we would have been. I will grieve for the life we should have had.

Tomorrow I will carry on. I will visit friends. We will laugh we will have fun. We will go about our day. I will still think of you. But I won't stop living. And I do it for you. For you I keep on keeping on. I will never forget when you were in America and I cried and sobbed and said it was too hard without you here. You said to me "Be strong for me baby, and look after our babies" so I do. I am strong for you baby, and I look after our babies, even though they aren't babies anymore. I will do that for you, everyday.

3 Years.


Leonie said...

You've been on my heart all week, but most especially today xx

Neetz said...

I woke up this morning thinking of you....and said a prayer for you... for strength, for amazing memories, and mostly for Gods amazing arms to cuddle you so tightly today that you'd KNOW you had him with you.
I know I say this all the time... I wish there was something tangible I could do to help ease some of your pain...but I can't, I can only remind you how precious we think you and your babies are... and send my love, and prayers xxxxxxxxxxxxx ((hugs)) xxx

Sima J said...

*hugs* thinking of you, you fantastic woman - you are doing an AWESOME job of taking care of those 'babies' Jase would be proud of you xoxo

Jenny said...

Hugs Tracy. I admire your strength sooo much. You are amazing!

mandyb said...

you are amazing
and we are here if you need us
but we all think you are doing a great job....but yes it sucks!!!

Cat said...

Oh Tracey I am crying big jolly tears as I read/type this. You are such a brave brave woman.
I love you to bits and am honoured you are letting me make you something special xxx

jacksta said...

you are awesome. Just saying.

PaisleyJade said...

What can I say - you are amazing. All my love. xoxo

MandaBurms said...

((((HUGS)))) I've stumbled onto your blog as you do in blog world. I'm soo sorry to read of the loss of your man and the journey it ha been.

And hay we both have an Abbey spelt the same way.
Love Leanne