Christmas Grief

I was doing ok.
I have been sooo busy I haven't had much time to think.
But it snuck up and surprised me.

I miss my husband more than ever around this time of year.

Christmas is all about family to me. So having Jason not here really hurts. A lot.
I watch my friends prepare for Christmas, see them working together with the men in their lives putting together kids presents, seeing Dads getting involved at end of year parties. My heart aches.

My heart aches that my kids don't have a Daddy to love them.
My heart aches that I don't have my best friend to hold my hand.
My heart aches for the life we are missing out on.

This will be the 4th Christmas without Jason.
It hasn't got any easier.
Yes life is going well for us. We are coping well. I have a really great routine going and we are working great as a little family of 3.
But this time of year is still hard.
Especially when the feelings sneak up on you unexpectedly.
I should have known they were coming. But they still surprised me. I really thought that after all this time I might deal with it better.
But the tears still flow and my chest feels tight and my heart aches.

And I miss him so very much.