I am surrounded by Christmas paper, smells, lists, food, and projects, this is normally one of my most favourite times of the year. On the outside I am smiling and doing loads of Christmas crafts and activities with my kids, on the inside I am screaming, crying, and rocking in the corner. It's so much harder than I imagined it to be. Jason is CONSTANTLY in my thoughts, and just thinking about how he isn't going to be here for Christmas makes me cry. I'm crying writing this post. I think back to last Christmas and we were so excited because all the things Jason had sent over from his time in America were going to be able to be wrapped and given to the kids finally. We had bought the kids a trampoline and we had loads of laughs (and a bit of swearing!) putting it together on Christmas Eve. This year I bought Riley a new bike which his Uncle is going to put together for him, not his Dad. Sigh ... I can pretend to be happy for only so long but in all honesty I am wishing Christmas could be cancelled this year, I'd like to sleep through December and most of January. Sadly that can't happen so instead I listen to sad Christmas songs and think of how much I wish my husband was here to help celebrate Christmas with us.