Back then I would have thought by now things would be getting easier, less painful, less raw. But it isn't. It is still hard, harder in fact than a few months ago. Still incredibly painful and very raw still.
Last week I started going to grief counselling. So far it is helpful in the fact that I know that it is ok and normal to be feeling the way I am. But one of the first things the counsellor said to me was
"I cannot make you feel better, I cannot make the pain go away"Next month it will be a whole year without Jason and I'm not sure how I should be feeling about that. It's going to be difficult, heart wrenching difficult. It will be the first time in a year since I have been to the Prison. I will be seeing people I haven't seen since Jason's funeral, talking with the people who were with him when it happened. I will be blessed by the fact I will also be surrounded by my family and friends but they won't be able to take away my pain either.
I will never get over this, I will get stronger and perhaps start to wear my happy mask less, and actually wake up happy one day, but for now I grieve, and I cope one day at a time.
Rick, father of Elliot wrote something on his Facebook that I have stolen and altered a little because it rang so very very true to me
Please don't tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost your husband early too,
Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because that is just not true,
Please don't tell me my love is in a better place,
...Though it is true, I want him here with me,
Don't tell me someday I'll hear his voice, see his face,
Beyond today I cannot see,
Don't tell me it is time to move on,
Because I cannot,
Don't tell me to face the fact he is gone,
Because denial is something I can't stop,
Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more,
Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
I'll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of Jase,
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while,
And please don't hesitate to say his name,
Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
Please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I have become.
Gone but never ever forgotten, my love for alwaysforeverandeternity xxx