Friday, April 15, 2011

11 Months

11 Months ago right now I was in the Hospital sitting with my husband who I knew was going to die tomorrow.

Back then I would have thought by now things would be getting easier, less painful, less raw. But it isn't. It is still hard, harder in fact than a few months ago. Still incredibly painful and very raw still.

Last week I started going to grief counselling. So far it is helpful in the fact that I know that it is ok and normal to be feeling the way I am. But one of the first things the counsellor said to me was
"I cannot make you feel better, I cannot make the pain go away"
Next month it will be a whole year without Jason and I'm not sure how I should be feeling about that. It's going to be difficult, heart wrenching difficult. It will be the first time in a year since I have been to the Prison. I will be seeing people I haven't seen since Jason's funeral, talking with the people who were with him when it happened. I will be blessed by the fact I will also be surrounded by my family and friends but they won't be able to take away my pain either.

I will never get over this, I will get stronger and perhaps start to wear my happy mask less, and actually wake up happy one day, but for now I grieve, and I cope one day at a time.

Rick, father of Elliot wrote something on his Facebook that I have stolen and altered a little because it rang so very very true to me

Please don't tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost your husband early too,
Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because that is just not true,
Please don't tell me my love is in a better place,
...Though it is true, I want him here with me,
Don't tell me someday I'll hear his voice, see his face,
Beyond today I cannot see,
Don't tell me it is time to move on,
Because I cannot,
Don't tell me to face the fact he is gone,
Because denial is something I can't stop,
Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more,
Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
I'll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of Jase,
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while,
And please don't hesitate to say his name,
Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
Please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I have become.

Gone but never ever forgotten, my love for alwaysforeverandeternity xxx


Jenny said...

I stand with you xxxx

mandyb said...

I have nothing to add but to say i am here (online for you) and will stand alongside what ever you do and what ever you need!!!!

taz said...

of course Tracy i stand by you, you can say his name as often as you like and I will too, I am sooo sorry but i cant take you pain away but i will be there to help you at least smile sometimes, and give you hugs (cyber or in person) and listern to you talk as much or a little as you want. I think this is a very beautiful piece of writting and rings so true. Please know that even though i dont chat everyday or get busy - you are always on my mind and with tears in my eyes because of the pain i know you are going through. i will support you no matter what Tracy because you are a one in a million friend. YOu are a tower of strength and i know that it is superficial most of the time. but behind every tower there is a great bit structure which is your family and friends. I know you will never get over him or feel better, or move on and that is ok because what you had with Jason no man (person not man man) can take away. I liked the person from a year ago but i also admire and like the friend you are today.
Your friend Taryn
(this time i wont type and delete it, as i so often do - silly hey)

Roo said...

Oh Tracy xxx I know we are new friends but love you and am here for you in any way huge hugs to you xxxx

Sima J said...

:-( I didn't have the pleasure of knowing Jase, or knowing you pre-grieving but I have to say you are pretty darn special and us bloggers love you to bits. I feel privileged to be able to stand with you as life flies by, and yet stands still.
Know that my prayers are with you often *hugs*

My weightloss journey said...

I have to say tracy he is a rather sexy man, you did well my friend and I would never even begin to pretend to know how you feel, just know I will always and I mean always have fejoia wine on hand~~

Neetz said...

I too say that I want to stand with you. Not only on your days when you have your happy face/mask on...but when you are down/sad/mad/angry, when you are feeling helpless or when you need to have a huge "ugly" cry. I have experienced raw gut-wrenching loss in my life, but have not lost my husband, so do not know how that feels. I can Imagine how that feels, and get only a very small idea of the loss you've been through..are going through. I can only say that the mere thought of it hurts so bad that it makes me want to support you even more, and stand with you whenever possible.
I did not know Jase, but through all of your memories and stories of him, I really feel like I am getting to know him, what an amazing guy he was. I love that you can talk about him so openly, share his beautiful soul with us, not just with your conversation, but with your pictures, your scrapbooking, your written words...You are a wonderful wife, Mum and friend and I can imagine how very proud of you he was...and is xxx You're going to do a great job at his memorial service, I just know it! xxxx

That'll do said...

You are amazing Tracy. That's all I can say! xx

jacksta said...


PaisleyJade said...

All my love Tracy - and please know that there are a tonne of us all standing beside you as you walk this very sad and hard journey. xoxo

Jennie said...

Hugs hun, I know im just repeting what everyone else is saying but we all luffs you and want to help any way we can! I know we cant take your pain away but we are your friends and will be there for you what ever you need!

The South African Kiwis said...

Well said Neetz and Sima J - my heart breaks for you Trace.
I'm proud to call you friend and I'll stand with you.

grammy deed said...

Reading what you say from your heart is just so wrenching. I feel for you and don't know if there is anything to make you feel better. They say time but I don't think I believe that. I was going thru pictures from my Mom's house after her death just three months ago. Found one of my Dad holding my daughter when she was 18 months old and it made me cry like a baby. Dad has been gone 25 years and we just lost Mom. Take care and hope that all your followers give you support you need.

Simoney said...

Hey Tracy, Leonie is staying with me at the moment and she has been raving about you all day, so I had to come by and see for myself.
What a beautiful, poignant and heart-rending post.
I can only imagine.
And that quote, powerful.
Hugs to you, Tracy
from Simone @Greatfun4kids

Leonie said...

Tracy, you are such a beautiful person. I can't begin to imagine your loss but I will stand with you too.
I love getting to know Jase through the memories and stories you share. You are a brave and courageous person, a loving and wonderful Mum and you have a HUGE heart. I've cried so many tears reading your blog, before I met you IRL and since. I wish I could wipe all the pain away for you, erase the past for you.. So honoured to have you as a friend.