Father's Day

Father's Day is coming up this weekend. We are inundated with TV, Radio, Junk Mail advertisements for Father's Day.

This year is the first year Abbey has really noticed the fact that she doesn't have a Dad.

She was only 2 when her Daddy died.  She doesn't remember him.

Abbey on the Day her Daddy died

The first thing that triggered this for Abbey was having a Dad's night at Pippins.  She told her leaders that her Dad died so she didn't have a Dad. They said that she could bring her Grandad or big brother or someone else if she wanted.

My Dad stepped up and went with Abbey to Pippins, she was the only one there who didn't have a Dad. She really noticed that.

She has been drawing a lot of pictures of her and her Daddy holding hands, she has written a few letters to her Daddy and he is the constant topic of conversation for her at the moment.  For the first time I think she is finally realising what it all means.

And of course it breaks my heart.

I am a good Mum and I do all I can for my kids but I can not be a Dad.

I wish I could make this right and fix it for her but all I can do is be here for her to answer her questions and let her know how much her Daddy loved, adored and cherished her.

Life is really hard some days, especially when it is hard for your kids.

Things I'm Loving

I wholeheartedly believe that no matter what is happening in your life, there is always something you can be thankful for..no matter how simple it is.

When you lose your loved one in a manner I lost my husband, through the deliberate violence of another person, you sort of lose faith in humanity. 

How can one person so cruelly take another persons life, and then not even care about how he has ruined the lives of so many people, and feel no remorse, and then repeat the same actions that took away that life, twice more.

I don't understand.

There is hope though.

Since Jason's death I have met the most AMAZING people ever. Selfless, caring, giving and loving people who have filled my life with HOPE. So many amazing people have done some amazing things for me over the last 3 years.
This story is one of the most special to me.

It started with a blog post and a quilt. My bloggy friend Cat from Catalina's Cottage made a beautiful quilt for her bed using the fabric from her daughters toddler clothes.
Sitting in the garage I had a whole suitcase of Jason's clothes that I had wanted to make a quilt out of for a long time. The thing is I don't sew!! I mentioned to Cat on that blog post that I wanted to do that to Jason's clothes and the next thing I get an email from Cat

I've been thinking about a comment you left on my blog re Jason's clothes 

And wanted to talk to you about using some to make you a quilt of love

I've spoken with some of the Whangarei girls over the weekend about the idea i had hatching 

But obviously due to the sensitivity i couldn't surprise you . . .

You mentioned having Jason's clothes still - 

I'd like to make you a quilt of love incorporating some if these - if you'd like ??

Similar to the one on my bed 

Similar to the one Deb made Cam

Similar to the one we made Sammy

I'll let you think it over - just know there are lots if us that want to do this for you if your ok with it - 

xxx

Lots of love precious 

xxx

 I was overwhelmed. Of course I said yes.

Boxing up those clothes and getting them to Cat was WAY harder than anticipated. 3 Months after that email I finally sent them off.

There were shorts, shirts, ties, PJs, Jeans and his Corrections uniform.

Then Cat got to work.

As far as I was aware the beautiful Cat and Leonie were the ones who were doing the work on the quilt. Little was I to know that behind the scenes there were A LOT more of my friends, family and people I had never met involved too.

Yesterday my Mum and I drove down to Auckland to have lunch with Cat and pick up the completed quilt.
I was blown away when not only Leonie arrived but a few other friends who had been secretly involved the whole time.

It was a wonderful catch up and lunch as the whole secret story of what was happening behind the scenes was revealed. I am not really someone who likes being the centre of attention so having this AMAZING thing all set up just for me was very overwhelming.

Then out came the quilt.

I was BLOWN away. It was more amazing and spectacular than I had ever imagined.

As soon as I got home I put it on my bed. I stretched out on it and cried.  Every piece of clothing on there has memories. I get to see these and cuddle with them every night, and knowing that it was made with so much love by so many amazing people makes it priceless.

Those of you involved (you know who you are, too many to mention you all!!) THANK YOU.  From the bottom of my heart. I will never be able to say thank you enough, ever.

To see more check out Cat's posts
Quilt of Love Pt1
Quilt of Love Pt2
Quilt of Love Pt3

Also Leeanne who did all the spectacular quilting
A Special Quilt

Lonely

You know some days I get overwhelmed with my loneliness.
I have been on my own for 3 years and 3 months.

Before Jason came into my life I had flatmates, before that I lived at home with my family. I have never just lived on my own. The kids are here but as much as I love their company I crave that person I can download my day to. Talk about little things to that I wouldn't talk to my kids about.

The thought had crossed my mind about getting a flatmate. But that in itself causes issues. What if that person doesn't fit into our lifestyle. I won't be able to walk from the bathroom to my bedroom with no clothes on anymore. Our open door policy would have to change. But would it be worth doing to not be so lonely?

Then we get into the scary topic of relationships. Am I ready to begin a journey of finding someone new to share my life with? And how on earth do I even begin in that realm!?!?!?

Everything is so scary.
And by scary I mean terrifying.

I know I will get over this feeling .. eventually.  Like everything you always have your good moments and your bad moments, and lately I've just been having a bad moment.

Like all storms this one will pass.

How old is too old?

How old is too old to have a girly crush?

Once my kids go to bed I am on my own. I spend a lot of time surfing the net, looking around on You Tube etc etc
While on You Tube I discovered people actually make YouTube their job - how cool is that!?! There are loads of people who do daily Video Blogs (Vlogs) they talk about their day, take you places they go, do silly things and talk about serious stuff sometimes too.

After looking up Wizard Rock (bands who play songs based on Harry Potter) I found one particular band I fell in love with called The Ministry of Magic.

My Favourite Ministry Of Magic Song

 I found out that the members of MOM were Vloggers. I started watching a few of their vlogs and well I sorta fell in love with some of the guys.

It was silly, I felt like a silly teenager again, tuning in every morning to see their latest vlog. And the worst bit is these guys are all about 10 years younger than me! Gees! Talk about lame ol' me!

There is a group of guys who all hang out together and are all good friends some of them live together and I  follow all of them. It's kinda cute some of the stuff they do on YouTube. I have watched them get girlfriends and break up with them, they take us on holiday, move house, meet flatmates, most of them are musicians.
And of course I think they are all pretty to look at. Plus they are at heart all geeks. I kinda have a thing for geeks - I am one myself!

They are super talented. They all do a lot of covers but every single one of them do their own original music as well.

So these are the guys I have a girly crush on, go check out their music and please don't judge me on my lameness!!!

Luke Conard

Favourite Luke Song

Landon Austin

Favourite Landon Song

Alex Goot

Favourite Alex Song 

Jason Munday

Favourite Jason Song

*blushes*

Things I'm Loving

I wholeheartedly believe that no matter what is happening in your life, there is always something you can be thankful for..no matter how simple it is.

I thought I'd jump on board and do a Things I'm loving post ... it's been a while and I feel like I need to remind myself of some real positive things at the moment.

I am Loving working from home - I can sit inside by the fire, watching my favourite show, and doing work all at the same time - LOVE

I am Loving the new trampoline mat that my friend Nicola gave us. The kids have been without a tramp for over a year now .. ever since this happened .....

Norty norty puppy!!!!
But thanks to Nicola I didn't have to go buy a new one and the kids are now able to go outside and leave me in peace  and have some fun!

I am Loving that my house is now leak free, after the builder discovered nasty rotten wood due to a long term leak. Not the best thing to find out but I am thankful it is now fixed.

I am Loving that I am only one coat of paint, an extractor fan and a shower curtain away from a finished bathroom!! And then the main bathroom gets started! Soooo excited about that one!!

So what things are you loving at the moment? Head on over to MNMs and join up with the Linky party!

Renovation Slump

I haven't talked or shared much about what is happening at my house due to a secret sorta project that I am hoping to share with you soon.
But
I am right in the middle of major house renovations.
I have builders here re-doing my two bathrooms, and they are also fixing some major leaking issues.
I am in the process of re-decorating the kids bedrooms and playroom, actually I am slowly getting around the whole house room by room.

The house is CHAOS and that is me being polite. When I am in the crazed decorating mode that is pretty much all I do for days. I make sure the kids are fed and that they have clean clothes and that is it, my housework is neglected and the place becomes a mess.
Last weekend I spent 4 straight days working on my daughters bedroom. Sanding walls, filling holes, painting, wallpapering, putting up curtain rails and curtains, it was a massive weekend.

It's hard, really hard. I am here on my own doing everything by myself. My Mum is amazing, she helps out a lot. She is my mentor and motivator.  But otherwise I am on my own.

I have a lot to do.
I am a solo-Mum, a cat owner, a cook, cleaner, housekeeper, shop-owner, renovator, scout & pippins volunteer, taxi, school volunteer, shopper, crafter, I'm sure I have forgotten other things.

It's crazy that I do ALL that and I still look around my house and feel like I am failing because the place is a mess.

Why is it I put so much pressure on myself to have everything perfect and to do so much with my day?
Why do I feel guilty every time I put my feet up and watch TV?

Where does the expectation come from?

I feel like I need to sit back and look at what I HAVE achieved rather than the things I haven't managed to do. I NEED to take time out for myself and my kids.
And as read others blogs and facebook status updates and talk to friends I realise I am NOT the only one who struggles to keep my house in order, and lots of those people aren't doing it on their own.

I need to be more proud of what I am doing and stop trying to live up to impossible expectations.

Food For Thought really.