Monday, August 1, 2011

30 Day Mum Challenge

I am struggling to be a Mum. It's hard for me to admit that. Ever since Jase died I have been struggling terribly with his loss. I have had to try to learn to live without my Love and best friend. Jason was a fantastic Dad. We worked really well together as a parenting team. We had strengths and weaknesses in different areas and I think we were good parents. I am really struggling dealing with the loss of Jason, and becoming a solo parent. I am hurting very badly and so are my children. I struggle with the day to day chores and at times am so overwhelmed with my own grief I forget that the children are grieving too. This has resulted in me becoming short tempered, un-attentive, lethargic, and un-responsive to my children and it pains me so bad to know that I can not be the Mum I used to be. I used to love playing with my children, now it seems like a chore. My children used to make me laugh and smile, now they make me shout and growl. Tears are streaming down my face as I write this because I absolutely HATE the Mum I am turning into. I NEED to change for my children. I NEED to be there for them, they NEED me more than ever. The last few weeks I have been trying so very hard to turn myself around to be the Mum my kids deserve. Tonight my friend Taryn pinned this onto Pinterest


When I have finished writing up this blog post I am going to go and print this out and attach it to my bedroom mirror. I am going to do each and every one of these things this month, try to blog about it (it will be easier when I get a new camera!) and I am going to try to enjoy my children again. They are my biggest reason for living, for carrying on, for not falling into that dark abyss I am balancing on the edge of. They are my light, I just need to turn it on.

I will start by giving both of my children a kiss as I tuck them in when I go to bed.
I love you Riley
I love you Abbey
alwaysforeverandeternity xxxxx

12 comments:

My weightloss journey said...

I so get you!! What makes you the awesome person you are is the fact you are able to see where you are going wrong and are able to fix it - love you

Michelle said...

After reading that I just want to give you a big hug, and that's prob really strange coming from a complete stranger!

You are such an awesome person for posting this.

I can't imagine what it's like to be in your situation but I do know what it's like to parent alone along with everything else that is going on. It's really hard!

This challenge sounds great, and is a great idea to start a change:)I hope you can get some outside help as well!

Sima J said...

Naww *hugs* you are an amazing mum doing an AWESOME job. Having been a single Mum for a while I can understand how hard that is - but being a single Mum grieving a HUGE loss - I don't know how you do it so well! Good on you for trying so hard to be the best Mum you can be - what lucky kids you have to have a Mum that cares SOooo much about them xoxo

Broot said...

**hugs** I can't even imagine it. I love that Mum challenge too. Saw it on Pinterest yesterday! Great idea to pin it to your mirror.

chrisste said...

Oh Tracy, just keep putting one foot in front of the other, Im glad you can see that you need to do something to rebuild your mothering and are doing something about it. big big hugs sweetie and Im on the other end of the computer anytime xx

Katie said...

Huge Hugs and Good Luck with the challenge.

Natalie said...

Such beautiful, brave words. It is your ability to see these elements of yourself that will ensure your childrens healthy emotional growth. You already are a fabulous Mother, you just cant see it right now...allow yourself time and give yourself understanding. You deserve it. Always Loving XxxX

Neetz said...

loads of loves coming to you.

Being a parent is HARD WORK man!! (I know you and all us parents know that already)...

Being a parent ... parenting alone is Hard work and then some.

Being a parent ... parenting alone, and adjusting to the very sudden loss of your partner, your lover, your other half, the provider of your family, your sounding board, .......well that's just hard to fathom quite honestly! I struggle some days and I have my husband with me. Some days I'm hanging out til he gets home from work so I can just sit...and breathe...

Don't beat yourself up my friend. You are a fantastic person an awesome Mum, and you are dealing with something so huge... so very very huge. I pray God wraps his awesome arms around you today, and clearly reminds you of how awesome you are...and how loved your kids are,and how much he loves and cares for you, even though sometimes it doesn't feel like it.. You are only human... you're gonna be grouchy, short tempered, and you know what.. that might not be ideal...but its okay. Your kids know how much you love them.
Love lots xxxxx

Casper said...

Hugs Cuz

You are doing a great job, your kids are lovely.

Love you!!!
Nic

Leonie said...

Oh my dear friend Tracy.
I have cried so many tears reading your blog, before I met you in real life and since.
You are an AMAZING mum, amazing. I can't begin to imagine what it is like to parent and grieve for a loved husband and father.
If its any consolation, I think you are doing a great job, you have beautiful, polite and lovely kids who are a delight.
I really commend you for taking the challenge. I love the idea and I will join you, although we all know Im crap at completing challenges!!! But even if I dont blog about it...I will try to complete it for my kids sake.
Love and hugs
xx

mandyb said...

good on ya for recognising this....but you are human too...so DO need to grieve...and feel tired and cross!!!
together you will all get through this.....
and ALL we will do is:
love you
encourage you
tell you, you are doing a great job

your kids are lucky to have you...and it is winter...so being stuck inside due to weather and darkness is hard!!! may the spring colours and magic that is sprouting out be a sign of the new life you are embarking on with this challenge......and US ALL behind you, cheering you on
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxx
xxxx
x

The South African Kiwis said...

You are so special Trace. I'll cry with you anytime hun.