Thursday, August 23, 2012


Before losing Jason I have never really experienced death.

My Grandad died when I was 12years old. He was only 69. But the thing with Grandparents is that they are supposed to die. It's the natural order of things.

ALL death is sad and hard to go through. When people get old they are supposed to die. It is sad of course for those that are left behind because we miss those people. And those people will always leave a hole in our lives but death at the end of a long life is normal. It is the natural order of things. It's what is to be expected.

Jason, however, was totally unexpected. It was if he was ripped out of our lives. One morning he was there, that same afternoon he was not.

I miss him terribly. I wish he was here every second of every day. I grieve for him.

Lately I have been constantly organising the shop and keeping VERY busy. But now that part is over I have time to sit and think. The distraction is gone and I am not sure if I thought there would be a difference but now I am sitting here alone, wishing my husband was here. Nothing has changed. I am still a grieving widow.

I grieve that he isn't here with me. But more than anything I grieve for what SHOULD have been. I have lost the future I was planning. I wont get to grow old with Jason. My children won't get to grow up with the love, support and guidance from their Dad. Abbey wont get to have her Dad walk her down the aisle at her wedding. Riley won't get to have his Dad guide him through the trials of puberty.

I miss Jason terribly and yes I grieve his death, but more than anything I grieve the life that should have been with him. I grieve all that he is missing out, all that the kids are missing out and all that I am missing out. Life is all about finding that someone you love and living the rest of your lives together.

EVERYTHING is aimed in that direction. movies, tv, books. I found my love, I married him, I had two beautiful children with him and before we even had a chance to even really start a life together he was taken away. I grieve for that.

I try so very hard to be positive and embrace the good things that surround me. But some days I can't help but grieve for what I have lost and for what should have been.


Jennie said...


jacksta said...

Anonymous said...

when words fail a hug can help....xoxoxoxoxoxox

Cat said...

Love Love Love from me to you xxx

Jenny said...

Hugs Tracy

mandyb said...

my breaks often for you
i so dont know how to help
so i will only say
here are some cyber hugs for you!!!

Neetz said...

Often when I hear of tragic accidents or sudden deaths, especially involving partners/children etc, I cannot help but imagine how awful that must be. The sudden "gap" that is there where your loved one should be, and not only that, but all the reminders of them not being there... like that place where they sit...their side of the bed... their clothes.... just thinking about it breaks my heart. And having friends like yourself Trace, who are living this awfulness really hurts my heart. And the worst thing is as much as we wish there was something we could do to help or take some of your hurt, we can't. But we can remind you that we LOVE you, and are here if there is anything that we can help you with......................hugs x

Leonie said...

i love Neetz's comment. We do love you my friend and I am so sorry you have to go through this.