Bad Day

There is nothing special about today.

It's a Tuesday. It's raining. Abbey is home from kindergarten not feeling well. Riley is at school. It is an ordinary day with no special significance.

Today I am feeling like I am in a black hole. I feel so alone. Life right now is overwhelming me.  Today I want my husband to be here so bad it hurts.

Why today? What has made today such a hard day?  There is no reason other than the fact that Jason is still not here. He hasn't been here for 1 year 10 months and 4 days.

In the beginning everyone told me in time I will feel better. Time will heal me and take away my pain. That is bullshit. I don't think any of those people have ever lost someone they truly loved. Time has made it easier to deal with the day to day things. Time has made it easier to hide my gut wrenching emotions. Time, however, has NOT taken away the pain. Time has NOT made me feel better. Time has NOT healed me. I feel like I still have a gaping hole where my heart should be and I still hurt. Today the weather reflects me. Today I am crying on the outside when normally I do on the inside. I feel dark and cold and stormy. Mostly I just feel very very alone.

I have lots of friends. AMAZING friends. They are supportive, caring and understanding of what I am living through. None of them will ever fill the part of me that is missing. And when I contemplate the fact that I still have a long life to live ahead of me without my soul mate by my side I feel lost. I can fill my day with friends and activities and push back all my emotions and feelings during the day. But after the kids go to bed and I am sitting in the quiet on my own that is when it smacks me in the face. Every night. And the nights are really long when you are alone. Especially when you have sleep issues.

So today is a bad day where I can't hold back the grief any more. Today I cry and feel horrible and upset and tell Jason it's time to come home. Today I feel sorry for myself and have no patience for anyone else's minor dramas. Today I let my grief take over.

Tomorrow will be a new day where I will try to be strong again. 

And you know and you know, 'cos my life's a mess and it's starting to show so before I'm old I'll confess, you think that I'm strong you're wrong, you're wrong

Shave For A Cure

Losing a loved one is one of the hardest things you will ever have to experience. You all know that I know first hand since I lost my beloved hubby coming up two years ago.  If there had of been anything anyone could have done to prevent Jason’s death I would have been the first to raise my hand to do it. Even though his death wasn’t in anyway related to an illness I still want to help others to be able to hold onto their loved ones for as long as possible

One of my best friends is going through the struggle of having her Dad battling with cancer and when she signed up to Shave for Cure and she asked me to I only had a small hesitation before I signed up too.

I’ve joined the Leukaemia & Blood Cancer New Zealand in their effort to get 10,000 people shaving in a mass expression of solidarity. That’s one shavee for each one of the estimated 10,000 New Zealanders living with a blood cancer or condition like leukaemia

Leukaemia & Blood Cancer New Zealand is the national charity dedicated to supporting patients and their families living with blood cancers and related blood conditions, this support can last months or even years.

Life is short, hair grows back

Take the time to make a difference in someone else’s life and sponsor me!!!

Click HERE to sponsor me

photo courtesy of Neetz

Better Scrapbooking March Scrap Pack

When this months scrap pack arrived I was a little worried. It was a very heritagey pack and I have never really done any heritage scrapping before. 

The paper was gorgeous! It was a range called Generations by Simple Stories.

I went to a BBQ at my Nana & Grandad's house and my Nana has photographs EVERYWHERE! Every surface you look at is covered in photos so I borrowed a few from her and scanned them to do my first two layouts.

This is my Dad's family. All 9 of them! My Dad is the last one in the back row.

This is my Nana (Dad's Mum). She said she would have been about 15 or 16 in this photo. She is 84 now. My Nana is awesome!

And just so I don't feel left out ... this is ME! I must have been about 3 in this photo. It was on my Great Uncles farm which we used to visit a lot as kids.

I am lucky enough to have 3 out of my 4 Grandparents still around. On my Mums side we have 4 Generations of girls. It is such a special thing to have in a family. Abbey is very lucky to have 3 generations of advice, wisdom, strength and love to depend upon. My Grandma is 86 years old and I try not to take for granted that she won't always be around. I am so happy that my children can have a relationship with their great-grandparents! 

So even though I was a bit worried to begin with I am really pleased with the end results of this Scrap Pack!  Head on over to the March Better Scrapbooking newsletter to find out how I made these and check out what the other design team member Jennie did too! Also Megan has added some great tips and techniques in too!

Better Scrapbooking March Challenges

This months challenges are:


Layout Challenge: 
~Create a layout with the following:
~Pastel Shades
~Hearts
~Twill or sewing
~One photo
~Your own home made embellishments


This is my take on the challenge ~   
*Pastel Shades ~ Little Yellow Bicycle Fresh Print Clothesline
*Hearts ~ Punched with a Fiskars scalloped heart punch
*Twill or sewing ~ twill around the hearts
*One photo
*Your own home made embellishments ~ My stringed hearts 

Photo Challenge:  

St Patrick's day is coming up so take photos of something 'Green'.  Have fun with this and see what you can find that is Green.

It is not easy to find green around my house!! This is about the only thing I could find that wasn't in my garden!!!

Colour Challenges:  

Create a layout, card, or other paper crafting piece using colours from this colour palette.  You may like to use a couple of the colours or all the colours.

This is my take on the colour challenge ... I do really love the pink/green combo!

Can't wait to see your work in the Better Scrapbooking gallery!!

My Sensitive Soul

My son Riley has always been a little different. He has been a fussy eater since birth. He has always been a champion tantrum thrower, even now! He tends to be over sensitive. He doesn't click well with people and he can seem anti-social. He has a temper on him that drives me insane. But he can be incredibly caring and sweet. He is really funny. He is pretty smart and has a great imagination.  I love how at almost 7 he is still cuddly and snugly with his Mummy.

Since Jason's death Riley's extreme behaviours have become worse, understandably so. But we have been to grief counselling and I have noticed a vast improvement in both his behaviour and his confidence. I'm not putting it all down to the counselling, I am putting it mostly down to his school, and maybe a little bit me!

Last year at school they had some cricket guys come and give the kids a few lessons. They sent home a note asking who wanted to join up for the cricket season. Riley came home so excited about joining cricket! It was the first sport that he showed an interest in so I jumped on the opportunity to encourage him to get involved in a team sport.

Next week will be the last game of the cricket season. Riley has LOVED it. He has had his moments where he has cried because he couldn't hit or catch the ball but his coach has been BRILLIANT. He just picks him up and pops him back into it. I have noticed that over the season Riley's confidence has grown tenfold. The last few weeks they have broken the kids up into skill groups rather than school teams and there have been a couple of evenings that Riley has been put with a bunch of kids he doesn't know. Well the Riley I have known since he was born would have cried and wanted out of that kind of situation. The new confident Riley carried on with no problems, joining in with the new group without incident.

His confidence has grown so much that I was pleasantly surprised when he came home and told me had signed up for the Ripper Rugby school Tournament. I jumped on that opportunity too and went along as transport and was AMAZED at my confident son who got stuck in and played along well with his team mates.

In both the cricket and rugby situations Riley was the smallest guy in the team. But the Kamo kids have blown me away with their team spirit. Not once has Riley been made fun of for not been as skilled as the rest. They are encouraging, helpful, supportive and caring towards each other. When Riley wasn't sure what to do he got help. When he got upset they tried to make him feel better. When he succeeded they cheered him on. I am so grateful for the values that Kamo Primary are teaching their students. It was amazing to see at the Ripper Rugby how mean so many of the other schools were. No sportsmanship, sore losers and really rude. I was so proud of my sons team who shook hands and said "Good Game" to the team that walked past saying "You Suck"

In a couple of weeks Riley is going off to his first school camp. I am worried because of all the new situations he will be put in. I am worried that there might be a few typical "Riley" moments over food or activities. I am worried because he is my son!! But seeing him at the ripper rugby and at cricket is making me slightly more confident that he will be able to deal better with these new situations. And regardless of how he reacts I know that his classmates and teachers won't exclude or ridicule him for his behaviour. That makes me smile.

I am really loving the young man my boy is developing into. Ever since Jase died I have been worried that he would miss out on so much. It's important for a little boy to have a Daddy. Jase was an awesome one. But I feel more confident in the fact that even though Jase isn't around Riley will still grow up to be a strong, independent and Handsome man like his Dad was. And I know that Jase would be awful proud of his boy right now too.