"That" Kid

It is that time of year where all the Facebook posts are of how amazing all my friends children did at school, how proud they are of the amazing school reports and their achievements during the year.

I have a child like that too, Abbey came home with an amazing school report, one that any parent would be proud of and amazing grades and many achievements.

But I don't share.

Why don't I share?

I have two children. One that gets amazing grades and one that doesn't. One that does great at school and one that doesn't. One that has lots of friends and gets invited over to peoples houses and one that doesn't.

I don't tend to want to rave about one of my children and not the other.

I have had a "feeling" about my son ever since he was quite little. I'm an Early Childcare Teacher, I know kids, I know what they are supposed to do developmental wise. So maybe I should have acted upon this "feeling" long before now, but the thing is no one ever wants to admit that there is something "wrong" with their child.

At the beginning of this term I had to make a very difficult decision, one that I haven't widely talked about but I thought it was time to talk about it, time to open up as I have about so many difficult times in my life. I need to write about it because writing helps me process things in my mind.

This term I made the decision to keep Riley back a year at school. He was supposed to be going to Intermediate School next year and the thought terrified me. How can I send my son to Intermediate? He will be eaten alive. He will drown. Let me explain my son to you all.

I have a sneaky suspicion that Riley has a form of Autism. I have wondered this for a really long time. So far it hasn't been a massive thing. He hates loud noises, he hasn't really got any close friends, he obsesses over schedules, hates surprises or sudden changes. His behavior is up and down. He sulks, won't talk to you and throws tantrums even though he is now 10! We went through mental health and they put his behavior down to post traumatic stress from the death of his Dad. He had counselling and things seemed to start getting better but once the counselling ended so did the progress. His grades have fallen, his behavior isn't the greatest again, things seem to be taking a nose dive for him. So back to mental health again, more assessments and at a terrible time of the year to try and get anything done.

I am scared for my son. No one wants their kid to be "that" kid, but my kid is. My kid is the one who is going to get picked on and bullied because he is different. My kid is going to get teased because he can't control his emotions.My kid is going to be ridiculed because of his irrational fears and insecurities. My kid is going to get eaten alive by the "normal" kids because kids are incredibly cruel. And it breaks my heart.

I love my son with my everything, I feel like I have failed him as a parent. I feel like I should have done more, been more involved in his schooling, talked to his teacher more often, taking more notice and done more for him. I feel like I have let him down.

I don't know if Riley is autistic. He might just be a weird kid. He might just be a little terd who doesn't want to do what he is told. My mothers instinct is telling me otherwise. His grades for his effort were all A and B which tells me he is trying but not understanding. And over the last year I have seen some massive positive changes in him. But he still isn't ready to be put in an Intermediate school environment. The thing that scares me most is what if even after this extra year, where I am planning to be on his toes the whole year, what if he still isn't ready? What do I do then?

It's so difficult having one kid who has problems and one who is the complete opposite. I want to shout out and praise my daughter and share all her achievements but I don't want to look like I have favorites. I love my kids the same, they are my whole world. It's just that one is a breeze to parent and the other is a nightmare.

So now I fill in lots of forms and then wait until the new year for another appointment with mental health to assess my son. I cry a lot about it and I pray that this coming year will be the year that he might shine and achieve what he needs and wants. I hope that I can make the changes to help him be successful.

Watch this space for more information and wish me luck!

The Ultimate Search

I have been doing a lot of soul searching over the last few weeks. Contemplating life and what it means.
There are massive questions about God and what happens to us after we die etc etc etc, But I am not talking about that kind of meaning of life. (You can read about my feelings about that HERE)

What I am talking about is Love.

Why are we here?
I believe we are here because of love.

Without love what are we?
Love creates life.
Love turns people into new people.
Love makes people Happy, Sad, Angry, Desperate.

Why when love can be SO painful do we continue to crave it?

I have been in love. I know how AMAZING it can be. When you have real love, love where the other person loves you as much as you love them, it is the most beautiful and amazing thing in the world.

Love isn't just between a man and a woman.
I love my children unconditionally. They are my world. They in turn love me unconditionally.
If only we could all love the way children do, it would be a much better place to live in.

Everything is geared up with love as a focus. TV, Movies, Songs, Books - pretty much ALL based around a love story. We are absolutely swamped with it, and I guess that is why we become so obsessed with it.

Girls give away their bodies searching, boys do stupid things to try to impress while searching. We feel incomplete without a relationship. But at what cost? How many people settle for less just because they are too afraid to be alone?

Why do I feel like I am a slave to love. I am desperate to find someone to share my life with, but why?
Am I afraid to be alone?
Why do I feel like I need a partner to complete me?
Is it because Jason left such a gaping hole in my life I am trying to fill it?

I think it is because I knew true, amazing, pure love and I know how spectacular that is. I desperately want that feeling in my life again. That feeling of happiness, security, stability, bliss.

Don't get me wrong, Jason was by far not perfect, and neither was our relationship. We saw each others imperfections but loved each other anyway. We worked through our issues and came to compromises and conclusions rather than giving up at the first sign of trouble. That is what real love should be like. Hold no grudges, work through issues, forget about the past.

The thing is though, we are never going to find love when and how we want to. Love is not going to solve all our problems or make us happy. Love is not going to fix our problems or get us a better job.
The truth is no one else can make you happy. No one else can make changes in your life to make your life better. Love can certainly enhance your life but not fix it.

The only person who can make you happy is YOU. Unless you love yourself and are happy within yourself you can't make the changes you need to make your life better for you then no one else is going to be able to help you.

I've taken the last almost 5yrs to get to know the unmarried me. It took me 4yrs to be ready to even begin to look for a new relationship. I have learnt a lot over the last year of dating. I have been knocked down a couple times but I have come back stronger and wiser and more ready than ever.
I know what I want, Now the tick is to find him!!!

Betrayal

I have been in a few relationships since I was a teenager, there were a few before Jason and have now been a few after. I don't regret dating any of them, except one.

I have learnt some very valuable lessons over the last few months about trust, honesty, deceit and betrayal.

I come from a good family, a great family in fact. I am a little innocent and naive when it comes to many different "bad" things in this world. So when I met this person who came from a completely different world to me I had no idea what to expect. And once I found out about this world it was too late to back out, I was already too emotionally invested. The saddest thing was I found out about the world but he insisted it was all in the past. I am not sure why I believed him. I am not sure why I trusted him. They do say love is blind and I guess because of my feelings for him I WANTED to believe and trust him.

Sadly he was still living in his world big time. He lied, stole, cheated, and was involved in all this "bad" stuff. I was too naive and trusting to take in the signs. My friends saw how happy I was and also chose to ignore the signs. But as I look back there were plenty of signs.

I feel like I have been ripped from the inside out. How can someone I loved so much, trusted so much and invested so much into do this to me?
How could he flatly lie to me right in my face?
How could anyone take advantage of someone's kindness, love and generosity so much?

Because he is not from, and never will be from my world.

I have learnt about deceit, dishonesty, lying and cheating. Something no one should have to learn about in such a way.

It makes me sick to think that he lived in my house, bonded with my children, met many of my family & friends. He did all this and was betraying me the whole time.

This experience hasn't put me off dating. I am hurt for sure. But out of all the guys I have dated over the years this is the first truly BAD egg. So when you think about it the percentages aren't so bad. There is hope.

One of my friends said don't let one jerk put you off finding your Prince Charming. I said to her I already found him, and then he died.

I often wonder if I am being selfish and greedy for wanting to find love again when some people never get to experience the love that Jason and I had.

But I am young, and I have a long life ahead of me and I really don't want to spend it alone. My kids are going to leave home one day and then what?

My Grandad just celebrated his 90th Birthday - can I imagine the next almost 60 years on my own? 

Heck No.

So I guess in time I will put myself out there again. I will brave the masses, risk my heart and feelings to try find that someone special. 

Because Life is there for living and Love is one of the greatest parts of life!!

2015

Wow, last year I blogged 6 times.
I figured I might be over the blogging thing, that I might not need it anymore, that I have nothing else to share.

It's only 4 days into 2015 and it's already being a tough one.

Last year a met a wonderful man. We dated, he moved in, we fell in love. We went through some good and not so good stuff together and then a week after Christmas, quite unexpectedly to me, he ended it.

I'm not angry.

I am sad and upset and confused.

I will be ok. I know that because I got through losing Jason, and honestly this is nothing compared to that. But it still hurts. A lot.

It kind of brings me to what I want to talk about.

It took me 4 years to start dating after Jason died. WOW what an unexpected emotional roller coaster it has been.
I have been on a few dates with a few different guys.
I have dated a couple for a while.
I fell in love even.

But Jason was still always on my mind. And the feelings of guilt and betrayal were hard things to overcome. But I worked through them. And yes, sadly, the relationship I thought might be the next "one" didn't turn out to be but as I sit here feeling sorry for myself and wondering what I did wrong, I also think "wow" look how far I have come. Look at what I have overcome to get to this stage and place in my life.

I have this flaw, and it's that I care too much too quickly. You see I have had my husband, my Grandmother and my Father all die quickly and unexpectedly in the last 4 1/2 years.  It kind of reiterates to me that Life is short. You need to grab the bull by the horns and ride it. You have NO idea what is going to happen tomorrow. Yeah I suppose that this philosophy may have caused me too much hurt, but in amongst the hurt was experience, fun, happiness. I learnt a lot from my last relationship. I had experiences I have never had before and as much as it hurts like heck right now I have no regrets. Maybe, if there is a next time, I will have learnt enough to make a better, stronger, more amazing relationship with someone.

Really at the end of the day it will be better to say "OMG what a knob I was for doing that" than having to say "I really wish I had of given that a go"

Go check out this AMAZING blog - Bone Marrow For Life. 
Raymond lost his Love to Cancer. Such a horrible disease, He was one of the rocks in my life when my Jason died. (read about that HERE) I read his blog and I smile because I know that yes he is in pain and yes life sucks but he is going to be ok.
Someone else who has the same philosophy as me - I love his catch phrase ....

Live a life you are proud of.

Be Better. Love Better.

So I challenge you in 2015 to step out of your comfort zone and LIVE!!! Challenge yourself, do the things you always wished you could do. Don't wait until tomorrow because tomorrow might just not happen.

Tell the people who you love that you love them, spend time on things you are passionate about and most of all MAKE NO EXCUSES!!!!