Woe is Me and all that Crap

It has been a while since I blogged. I feel pretty meh about it all but something I saw today has made me want to express my thoughts and feelings.

2 weeks ago my Beautiful Dad passed away. He was only 62. It was VERY sudden and unexpected. Minor surgery caused complications that in the end were fatal. To be honest I am still in shock and don't think that the reality of my Dad not being here anymore has really sunk in.

My Mum is absolutely devastated, as you could imagine. Losing your soul mate is a heart wrenching affair, I know I've been there. I want to be there for my Mum as much as I possibly can, she has always been my rock and I want to be able to be hers too, however it is sometimes difficult as I am also reeling over the fact that my Dad is gone.

November 1997 my Dad was in a horrific work accident which almost killed him. He was knocked down by a 10 ton concrete panel which fell off his truck on top of him. He had some pretty major injuries and spent the next 8 months in hospital. The biggest of these injuries was he damaged his spinal cord and became a paraplegic. The last, almost, 17 years have been a struggle for my parents. They have both had to learn to live with a major disability and their relationship changes would have been quite epic. I have always admired and adored the obvious love and affection my parents had for each other. I was one of the lucky ones with parents still together at high school. To go through all that life changing trauma and my parents came out still with this amazing love for one another.

Despite the fact that I wish my Dad was still here and that my Mum wasn't on her own, I can't help but be somewhat relieved that my Dad doesn't have to go through old age as a paraplegic. Life was already beginning to get difficult for him and he had already been through so much. He will be at peace now and his legs will be working again in heaven, possibly kicking my husbands butt for not being here for me!

In my 37years of life I have had to deal with a bit, not as much as some, but still more than I believe I should have. I have had a sheltered life as far as the fact that I had a great childhood, I have never wanted for food or shelter or love. I've never known addiction or abuse.  But the trauma of having my Dad almost die and become a paraplegic, losing my own husband and now my Dad way too early have certainly paid a toll.

I feel like I have an excuse, somewhat, to become a bitter, cynical depressive.
But I am not.

I understand that depression is a mental illness. For some people. Those kind of people suffer in silence and struggle on a daily basis to function in a "normal" fashion.

Today I saw a "Woe is me, no one cares and no one will miss me when I am gone" post. In my personal opinion that is not depression, it is attention seeking. Ever noticed how negative behaviour attracts negative outcomes?

I choose to not be negative. I chose to see my glass half full. It's taken me a REALLY long time after Jason's death for me to get here. The main thing is I have 2 beautiful children who I don't want growing up hating the world. Yes shit happens. No it isn't fair. There is nothing we can do about a lot of it. I can't bring Jason or my Dad back, but would they be happy if I was wallowing in misery? Of course not. It doesn't mean I am not ever going to be sad, or grieving. It doesn't mean I won't get angry or upset. What it means is I won't let the anger and sadness take over my life.

I have hope for a wonderful life for my children. I want them to grow up thinking WOW this is life and it is AMAZING. I want them to live and experience life in abundance.

If you don't think anyone cares about you, or things are going wrong, and when I say this I don't mean major things like cancer, or redundancy or death. I mean things like I can't afford a new car, I have no friends, the dog shat on the carpet. Have a serious look at yourself. Because, in my opinion, 95% of your problems are exactly that. YOUR problems. Don't like it? Change it. Change your attitude to life and see what amazing things can happen. Don't whinge about it to people who actually have REAL problems in their lives. We hate that.

And for those people who do have real shit going on, I salute you and send you as much strength as I can, especially right now to my Mum.

4 Years Today .....

Another year has gone by without you.

The grief I feel for your loss isn't constant any more, it comes in like the tide in ebbs and waves.  Somedays are stormy and the grief swell overwhelms me. Other days are calm and peaceful.

So much has happened in this last year. We are all growing and changing.

Riley is a senior at school. He is fast turning from a boy into a young man. Everyday he is looking more and more like you. He hurts as much as I do. We were talking about around the time you died. He remembers as much as I do. He says little but feels much.

Abbey is growing like a weed. She is going to be a handful when she hits puberty. She has your cheeky sense of humor and your sparkle and smile. She misses the thought of you. She doesn't remember what it was like to have a loving Dad. She has had more life without you now than with you.

I am at an emotional cross-roads. I love you with the same intensity as I did before, that will never change. But I am so lonely. I have started dating. It's confusing, especially at the times like this when I am feeling so much sadness at your loss but also feeling excitement for the upcoming date I have. I miss you everyday you aren't here. I still cry, although not so much as I used to. My heart is still aching and the hole you left will never be filled.

I am strong, and brave. I have found myself, the me without you. I quite like her. She is spirited, funny, cute, quirky, creative and filled with love. I know I am lovable and worth loving because YOU loved me. You loved me with your everything. I am glad I know that. I am so privileged to have had the whole heart of an amazing man in my hands. So many people live their whole lives not having the kind of love we shared. For that love I am greatful. For that 8 years we had together I am thankful.  I really hope that one day I get to hold someones heart like that again, and they can hold mine too.

Today, like the last 3 years we will be at Spring Hill Prison. Sitting in your memorial garden. Remembering, reflecting, grieving your loss.
I will leave my 8 orange gerberas. I will think of you, as I do everyday.

I will LIVE my life to honor yours. I will teach our children the power of love and the importance of life and the importance of people. We will live our lives and live them well.
We will NEVER forget you, your love or our love for you.

You will always be in our hearts.

alwaysforeverandeternity

Your Princess xxxx

When it Happened
Year One
Year Two
Year Three

Things I'm Loving

I wholeheartedly believe that no matter what is happening in your life, there is always something you can be thankful for..no matter how simple it is.

I am Loving .......

This crazy girl and her crazy outfits, which mostly tend to be her dolls clothes!!!

My beautiful Phoebe. Phoebe is my baby I had before I had babies. She is 12years old and I was a little concerned about her health so took her to the vet. Turns out she is in perfect health but may be going a little senile. The vet called her a dottery old lady!! She is my snuggle bum.

Getting new clothes from amazing local artists!! If you haven't already go check out Jessie Rose who has recently opened a store in Kamo. She is an AMAZING artist and I absolutely love her Rose Red and Boy Black ranges. Riley is modeling a Boy Black T-shirt.

My neighbour, who recently moved out, gave me a heap of wood that was on her property.  We borrowed my uncles chainsaw and my brother chopped it up. This is only half! I don't think I'll have to buy much, if any firewood this winter! Score!!!

Using the long weekend (Northland Anniversary) to take advantage of exploring my hometown!

Visiting Reotahi Marine Reserve

Visiting the Quarry Gardens

Reading LOTS. I have given myself a goal, over at Goodreads, to read 100 books this year. I have so many books that have been given to me that I want to read. My library is overflowing!! I love it! Reading is good for my soul, I want to feed my soul a lot more this year.

Linking up with Megan

I {Heart} Whangarei

It's been a while since I've done one of these posts. I really want to get back into exploring all the wonderful things in Whangarei and crossing some more things off my Hometown bucket list.
What a better way to motivate me than to start up a weekly Linky!!
I am going to start doing a weekly linky about Loving your Hometown and I challenge you to show me how awesome your hometown is by blogging about the wonderful things you can do there!!

Check out my I {Heart} Whangarei  tab to see previous posts about exploring my hometown.

This week I am starting with

Reotahi Marine Reserve

Both of my children have been on snorkeling trips with school to Reotahi. The EMR (Experiencing Marine Reserves) Team came to school for a few visits before hand and gave the children lessons on how to use the snorkeling gear, which they provided, and taught them all about Marine Reserves and the importance of looking after our ocean life.

I thoroughly enjoyed going on both school trips with my kids and had a blast going snorkeling, something I haven't done in many years.

Riley's Reotahi Trip 2011

Abbey's Reotahi Trip 2013

Last week I noticed a Facebook event for a Snorkeling Day out at Reotahi and of course jumped at the chance to go along with the family.

We got up early and headed out first thing Saturday morning, we must have arrived about 10am.  There weren't many people there and we waited for a few minutes to fill out our registration form and read the safety rules and get assigned our guide for our swim.

ALL the gear was supplied, snorkels and masks, flippers, wetsuit and a boogie board with a photo montage of all the different things we might see while we were snorkeling.

We met with our guide, Anton, and he helped us get our gear, showed us how to use it and went over all the safety rules. He also talked a little bit about Reotahi. It was started by a group of Kamo High School students about 6 years ago! Reotahi is the first marine reserve to be started by students ever! Amazing!!!

Then we got to get in the water. The kids were so excited when we saw fish and seaweed. There was a lot to look at and Anton pointed out quite a few things to us as we swam along. We must have spent about 1/2 hour snorkeling around the rocks and bay.

It was AWESOME and ALL free. I definitely recommend you heading out there if you can the next time they do another Fun Day.

Reotahi Trip 2014

So what have you done in your Hometown lately?

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LINK UP HERE

Valentines Swap 2014

Hi!

If you signed up for the Valentines Swap you should have received an email with your swap recipients details today.

If you haven't please let me know so I can make sure you get all the right details.

Don’t forget that packages need to be posted by February 10th

I’d love if you have a blog, if you could send me a link to a blog post about your gifts, if not if you can send me an email with photos and a little written blerb. I then can write up a post for you so your swap partner can see that you have received your gifts and how much you loved them!!

Happy Crafting!!

 

Valentine's Swap 2014

It's been a while and I have a lot of stuff to catch up on but I just wanted to talk about this .....

I am going to host a Valentine's Swap, because lets face it Valentines is all about Love and what do we have in the bloggy word but a whole heap of love!!!! And I know I am not the only one out there without a genuine Valentine to get spoilt by!!

So For this swap you will be putting together:

*A hand crafted Heart of any kind
*Sweets for your Sweet
*A Card/Postcard/Tag which can have your blog details etc on it
*Flowers - use your imagination for this one! Any kind of flower you can think of!!

Sign up by commenting here. Sign up will close on Sunday 19th January and I will get your Secret Admirer details to you by Monday evening giving you plenty of time to get your goodies ready and sent off by FEBRUARY 10th

I will be back soon for a holiday catch up!