Upside Down

Shit like this does not happen to ordinary people. I mean we are boring. This is the kind of stuff that you read about in the newspaper, and well I guess a lot of people did read about it in the newspaper, and hear it on the news. I didn’t. I went to pick my husband up from work after having a wonderful day out with friends. It just happened to be the first time I had ever taken him to work. I went to pick him up and my life was changed forever. One moment I was waiting for Jason to walk out with his big smile the next moment I was been told that he was in critical condition in the hospital. How does some thing like this happen? Nothing has been the same since. The drive from Spring Hill to Middlemore Hospital was the longest one I have ever experienced. The kids were laughing and playing in the back, I was trying hard to be calm, and I didn’t want to freak them out. I have never spent so much time physically shaking as I have lately. Hearing the doctors use the words “injuries un-survivable” is something I hope no one I know ever has to experience. I broke down, I bawled, I said it can’t be true. But it was. I pulled myself together and wanted to see him … NOW. Nothing else mattered right then. Not the kids, or anything. I only had time for him. I spent the whole night holding his hand and whispering in his ear, kissing his forehead and stroking his hair. I told him I loved him, I knew he loved me, I didn’t want him to leave but he needed to do what was right for him. The next day I sat with him while they took out the breathing tubes and turned off the life support machine. I held his hand and watched his chest stop moving and his heart stop beating. I watched his life end. And at the same time I felt like mine had too. I still had no time for anyone but him. But there were many things that needed to be done. As soon as he was ready I sat with him again, and whispered in his ear and stroked his hair and kissed his forehead. I stayed until they had to take him away. It didn’t feel right leaving him with strangers. I don’t remember how many people I talked to and how many meetings I had. We saw police, corrections, funeral directors, and a lot of them became known on a first name basis. I saw both Jase and myself in the newspaper, on TV. It was surreal. Three weeks later it still is. Telling my kids that their Daddy was dead was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. After I saw Jase again at the funeral home he wasn’t the same. I still sat with him and stroked his hair and kissed his forehead and whispered in his ear every chance I got. There was a lot to do, arranging a hugely public funeral, discussing media arrangements, and waiting for American family. It was over a week when they finally put the lid on the casket. I felt like I wanted to be in there with him, I couldn’t believe I looked upon his face for the last time. And as soon as the lid was in place Abbey said, … “Daddy’s gone” It took a lot of restraint to not pull it off again. I was shaking through the entire funeral. How could this really be happening? At the crematorium it was quiet and personal. I kissed the coffin as they lowered it down and I cried. I don’t think I’ve cried so much in my life as I have over the last 3 weeks. Handing his ashes to his Mom at the airport was hard, a final farewell. I know that what is gone is only his vessel, but it’s still hard to let any part of him go. I have his heart and his soul and I feel him all around me. I see him when I look at our adorable children and I am so so thankful for them. It hasn’t become reality yet. I wake up in the night and am surprised when he isn’t there. I look out the window at 5.30pm expecting him to drive up home from work. His clothes are all still hanging in the closest and his shoes lined up on the floor. His toothbrush is still in the bathroom and his deodorant on his dresser. How do I move on from here? How do I continue to live when the person who I lived for is no longer around? I have to get up every morning and keep breathing. I have to be strong for our kids. I have to keep going. I have to live for Jase. Everyday gets harder, I have good hours and bad hours. I live one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time. I will never forget my vows to you on our wedding day baby … or what we have engraved on our rings. alwaysforeverandeternity I love you now and until eternity. You will always hold the key to my heart xxxx