2 Years of Lonliness

Today marks the 2nd anniversary of my sweet husband Jason's death.

TWO years. Sometimes it feels like two years. Sometimes it feels like yesterday. Sometimes it feels like a million years have past.

Grief is a funny thing. A lot of people have told me that over time things will get better. The pain will go away. Yes I agree that things have got better, actually no, not better, easier. Things have become easier to deal with. My emotions are easier to deal with. Every day living is mostly easier to deal with. We have got into a solo-parent family routine as such now.  The pain hasn't gone away. Not remotely. I still feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest. I can hide the pain from others more easily. I can smile. But every night when I put the kids to bed and I am left in the quiet night alone I feel it as intensely as I felt it the day he died, In fact I believe I feel it more intensely because of the fact that I am now fully aware of my emotions and surroundings. Back in the beginning I was numb, in a sleep walking type space. I called it walking around in a bubble. But now I am out of the bubble and I feel things. I am still often gripped with a bone chilling grief that I curl up into a ball and cry myself to sleep. It doesn't happen as often as it used to, but it still happens.

Why am I sharing this?
To let everyone know that the pain of losing someone you love NEVER ends for that person. They may seem to be doing really well. They may seem to be moving on, carrying on with life, and they very well may be. But there is still that pain and grief that they are also going through. I understand that others will forget. It wasn't their lives that were turned upside down. But please remember.

To my friends, please don't be offended if I turn down social occasions that only have couples. Please don't get upset if I don't come to other things you have planned if they fall close to or on any of the hard dates I have to deal with. Please understand that I am turning you down for both our sake. Please be understanding. Because yes it has been two years, two years is a long time. But the fact of the matter is two years when you were supposed to be with someone for your whole life isn't very long at all.

So about now, while you are reading this I will be at Spring Hill Corrections Facility, the place where my husband took his last independent breath. I will be sitting in reflection in the garden that was built in his memory, laying flowers so he knows we will never forget.
I plan to go here every year. We have no grave here to visit so we will visit his memorial.

Take a moment today to think about the people who are important in your life. Call them, visit them, hug and kiss your husband/wife and children and tell them how much they mean to you because you NEVER know what will happen tomorrow.

Read about my life getting turned Upside Down
Read About Jason's Memorial Service