Fashion and Make-up - Venting Post

I have never been interested in fashion or makeup. Even in my teens-twenties when I was doing the clubbing/dancing/dating scene I only ever wore lipstick and mascara and only worn what I loved and felt comfortable in. I've never paid much attention to anything involving fashion or makeup and I certainly haven't ever followed any trends or paid much attention to what was the 'thing' of the moment. And I've been fine with all that, until my daughter started growing up.

Today The Man and I were bored and were watching YouTube videos. It's crazy how you can start watching "true facts about the sloth" and end up with "celebrities who look unrecognisable without their makeup". I was absolutely appalled at the narrator's comments on this video. Actresses who were caught out doing their shopping or taking their dogs for walks without makeup and the comments went along the lines of "look at those wrinkles and crows feet" "gosh she really looks her age" "Gosh she's certainly let herself go"

Let Herself Go
What does that mean? That when women don't wear makeup they are ugly? That our natural faces are hideous? That getting wrinkles and looking the age you are is a terrible terrible thing? No wonder we have so many women with terrible self esteem issues. We are basically told we are ugly and have to cover ourselves up everyday. I am disgusted in the expectations of women in society. Who the bloody hell came up with the idea that a woman has to cover up her face with makeup to become beautiful? Why do we need to change our appearance to walk out into the world? I think it's really sad that I have known people who can not leave the house without putting their face on. What has society done to us to make us feel we have to cover our natural faces with paint?

I do not ever want my girl to grow up feeling like if she doesn't cover up her face and wear the right clothes she won't be accepted, she isn't good enough, pretty enough, cool enough. My daughter has a beautiful face, she has these gorgeous dimples which just make me smile, her freckles across the bridge of her nose and across her cheeks are super adorable and her sparkling blue eyes shine. It would be a crime to put anything over her gorgeous face. However, my daughter is NOT like me. She cares about fashion (her own style anyway!), she wants to wear makeup, she loves jewelry. And I am happy with that, I don't have an issue with it, but I don't want her to feel like she HAS to be fashionable and wear makeup and jewelry to be accepted.

My daughter loves shorts, short shorts. And lately I have been watching her legs seem to get longer and longer and she is starting to look like a young lady instead of a little girl. The Man and I had an interesting conversation the other week and I am completely conflicted.
I said to him "those shorts are pretty short, when does it become inappropriate for her to wear such short shorts?"
And this made me think Heck, what did I just say?
I want my daughter to be her own person. I want her to wear the clothes that make her feel good, confident and comfortable. She loves shorts. She's happy in shorts. She's really sporty and physical so shorts are comfortable when she is running, swinging and climbing trees, but here's the conflict. There are many males out there that see a female as a sexual object, especially judged by what they wear. So I am incredibly conflicted by both wanting my daughter to be able to be herself as well as trying to protect my daughter from the perverts out  there who seem to think because a girl is wearing clothes that don't cover up all their skin that they can use her for their own pleasure. So what do I do?!?!

I've never been more confused, and terrified as the thought of having to negotiate the upcoming stages my kids are going to go through. It gets so so much harder the older they get! And not just for girls either, but that's another blog post!

So what do I do?
I guess I teach my daughter to appreciate her natural beauty, to be confident within her self and to not care about what others think and do what makes her happy. As for my son I teach him to respect women and not treat them as objects and to appreciate them as they are. And I guess I hope for the best that more parents are teaching their kids the same things.
Gosh just when you think you've got the hang of the parenting thing nature throws in another curve ball called puberty!!


So what do you do? I'd love to have any advice or feedback!
Otherwise thanks for reading my little vent!

Sub Categories and Linkies

So here I am ready to start my first new official blog post and I don't know where to begin!! I have sooo many ideas for topics and they are racing around in my head!

Image By Awesome-Kathi @ Deviant Art

So I was thinking that until I catch up I'll break it down into 5 categories and then I thought hey why not start up some crazy linkies and then I can find out who does what I do and I can start following their blogs too! So although I know this is going to start off slow I am going to start up some weekly blog posts and linkies.

1: Pimp My House

This is where I am going to be telling you about all the house renovations/decor I have done/doing/going to do! And OMGoodness I absolutely want to see what you guys are doing because I NEED all the ideas and tips I can get, maybe we can all help each other, start a support group called "I can't stop renovating my house"

2: I {Heart} Being a Mum

I am, like a million other mothers out there, overwhelmed with my job as a mother. I sometimes suck and I make major mistakes and I have regrets, but without a doubt I love my kids unconditionally. They are my whole world. This is where I'll talk about my kids and my life as a mother who juggles 500 hats just like every other mother I know. I'm not perfect but I am a FANTASTIC mother to my kids. Yep and I want you to all feel the same way about yourselves so this is where I want YOU to celebrate how awesome YOU are as a mother too!

3: Heading Off The Grid

I have future plans of living in the middle of nowhere as self-sufficiently as possible only doing the things I love and the things I need to live.  I am becoming more passionate in wanting a cleaner life for me and my family. I want to share my journey with you in this dream. If you are living this lifestyle or trying to I absolutely want to know about it all!!! I'm new at this and I absolutely want to learn as much as I can. I also really want to start being so much more environmentally friendly and start trying harder to make my families Eco Footprint much much smaller.

4: Crafting Keeps Me Sane

I started this blog as a craft blog, it has evolved into more than I could have imagined, but I am still a passionate crafter. So please as I share mine I want to see yours too! Any kind of crafting counts I don't mind, I just love seeing people making things with their own hands!!

5: Free to be Me

Life has changed for me a lot over the last 6 years and I have changed in many ways, I've made life choices that were great and some not so much, I have experienced a whole lot of new challenges and obstacles that I have worked my way through.  I have grown and I feel like I'm in a good place in my life right now. This is where I will share my life journey in finding out who I am as a person, take away the mother label and who am I? Lets find out together!! And please share with me who you are too!

I'm really looking forward to getting back in the blogging world and sharing and learning with the blogging community again.
Please if you stop by make a comment, even if it's only a 'HI' I'd love to be able to repay the visit and get to know you too, if you have blogs or otherwise.

So thanks for coming along for the ride!! I hope you enjoy it as much as I hope to!

Hello

It's been a really really long time. I'm sorry about that. A lot has happened in my life since I've been absent. Children, kids, love, work, home, thoughts feelings etc etc. I've been thinking a lot lately about wanting to write again, wanting to share my thoughts and experience again, basically I wanted to join in the blogging world again.

Instead of doing what I had originally planned, which was a massive makeover and a big welcome back post, I thought I'd just ease back into it, slowly make changes and write a few little posts to start me off.  Fingers crossed even though I've been away for so long I still might have some people who want to read what I write and see the messy inside of my scrap heap!!

"That" Kid

It is that time of year where all the Facebook posts are of how amazing all my friends children did at school, how proud they are of the amazing school reports and their achievements during the year.

I have a child like that too, Abbey came home with an amazing school report, one that any parent would be proud of and amazing grades and many achievements.

But I don't share.

Why don't I share?

I have two children. One that gets amazing grades and one that doesn't. One that does great at school and one that doesn't. One that has lots of friends and gets invited over to peoples houses and one that doesn't.

I don't tend to want to rave about one of my children and not the other.

I have had a "feeling" about my son ever since he was quite little. I'm an Early Childcare Teacher, I know kids, I know what they are supposed to do developmental wise. So maybe I should have acted upon this "feeling" long before now, but the thing is no one ever wants to admit that there is something "wrong" with their child.

At the beginning of this term I had to make a very difficult decision, one that I haven't widely talked about but I thought it was time to talk about it, time to open up as I have about so many difficult times in my life. I need to write about it because writing helps me process things in my mind.

This term I made the decision to keep Riley back a year at school. He was supposed to be going to Intermediate School next year and the thought terrified me. How can I send my son to Intermediate? He will be eaten alive. He will drown. Let me explain my son to you all.

I have a sneaky suspicion that Riley has a form of Autism. I have wondered this for a really long time. So far it hasn't been a massive thing. He hates loud noises, he hasn't really got any close friends, he obsesses over schedules, hates surprises or sudden changes. His behavior is up and down. He sulks, won't talk to you and throws tantrums even though he is now 10! We went through mental health and they put his behavior down to post traumatic stress from the death of his Dad. He had counselling and things seemed to start getting better but once the counselling ended so did the progress. His grades have fallen, his behavior isn't the greatest again, things seem to be taking a nose dive for him. So back to mental health again, more assessments and at a terrible time of the year to try and get anything done.

I am scared for my son. No one wants their kid to be "that" kid, but my kid is. My kid is the one who is going to get picked on and bullied because he is different. My kid is going to get teased because he can't control his emotions.My kid is going to be ridiculed because of his irrational fears and insecurities. My kid is going to get eaten alive by the "normal" kids because kids are incredibly cruel. And it breaks my heart.

I love my son with my everything, I feel like I have failed him as a parent. I feel like I should have done more, been more involved in his schooling, talked to his teacher more often, taking more notice and done more for him. I feel like I have let him down.

I don't know if Riley is autistic. He might just be a weird kid. He might just be a little terd who doesn't want to do what he is told. My mothers instinct is telling me otherwise. His grades for his effort were all A and B which tells me he is trying but not understanding. And over the last year I have seen some massive positive changes in him. But he still isn't ready to be put in an Intermediate school environment. The thing that scares me most is what if even after this extra year, where I am planning to be on his toes the whole year, what if he still isn't ready? What do I do then?

It's so difficult having one kid who has problems and one who is the complete opposite. I want to shout out and praise my daughter and share all her achievements but I don't want to look like I have favorites. I love my kids the same, they are my whole world. It's just that one is a breeze to parent and the other is a nightmare.

So now I fill in lots of forms and then wait until the new year for another appointment with mental health to assess my son. I cry a lot about it and I pray that this coming year will be the year that he might shine and achieve what he needs and wants. I hope that I can make the changes to help him be successful.

Watch this space for more information and wish me luck!

The Ultimate Search

I have been doing a lot of soul searching over the last few weeks. Contemplating life and what it means.
There are massive questions about God and what happens to us after we die etc etc etc, But I am not talking about that kind of meaning of life. (You can read about my feelings about that HERE)

What I am talking about is Love.

Why are we here?
I believe we are here because of love.

Without love what are we?
Love creates life.
Love turns people into new people.
Love makes people Happy, Sad, Angry, Desperate.

Why when love can be SO painful do we continue to crave it?

I have been in love. I know how AMAZING it can be. When you have real love, love where the other person loves you as much as you love them, it is the most beautiful and amazing thing in the world.

Love isn't just between a man and a woman.
I love my children unconditionally. They are my world. They in turn love me unconditionally.
If only we could all love the way children do, it would be a much better place to live in.

Everything is geared up with love as a focus. TV, Movies, Songs, Books - pretty much ALL based around a love story. We are absolutely swamped with it, and I guess that is why we become so obsessed with it.

Girls give away their bodies searching, boys do stupid things to try to impress while searching. We feel incomplete without a relationship. But at what cost? How many people settle for less just because they are too afraid to be alone?

Why do I feel like I am a slave to love. I am desperate to find someone to share my life with, but why?
Am I afraid to be alone?
Why do I feel like I need a partner to complete me?
Is it because Jason left such a gaping hole in my life I am trying to fill it?

I think it is because I knew true, amazing, pure love and I know how spectacular that is. I desperately want that feeling in my life again. That feeling of happiness, security, stability, bliss.

Don't get me wrong, Jason was by far not perfect, and neither was our relationship. We saw each others imperfections but loved each other anyway. We worked through our issues and came to compromises and conclusions rather than giving up at the first sign of trouble. That is what real love should be like. Hold no grudges, work through issues, forget about the past.

The thing is though, we are never going to find love when and how we want to. Love is not going to solve all our problems or make us happy. Love is not going to fix our problems or get us a better job.
The truth is no one else can make you happy. No one else can make changes in your life to make your life better. Love can certainly enhance your life but not fix it.

The only person who can make you happy is YOU. Unless you love yourself and are happy within yourself you can't make the changes you need to make your life better for you then no one else is going to be able to help you.

I've taken the last almost 5yrs to get to know the unmarried me. It took me 4yrs to be ready to even begin to look for a new relationship. I have learnt a lot over the last year of dating. I have been knocked down a couple times but I have come back stronger and wiser and more ready than ever.
I know what I want, Now the tick is to find him!!!

Betrayal

I have been in a few relationships since I was a teenager, there were a few before Jason and have now been a few after. I don't regret dating any of them, except one.

I have learnt some very valuable lessons over the last few months about trust, honesty, deceit and betrayal.

I come from a good family, a great family in fact. I am a little innocent and naive when it comes to many different "bad" things in this world. So when I met this person who came from a completely different world to me I had no idea what to expect. And once I found out about this world it was too late to back out, I was already too emotionally invested. The saddest thing was I found out about the world but he insisted it was all in the past. I am not sure why I believed him. I am not sure why I trusted him. They do say love is blind and I guess because of my feelings for him I WANTED to believe and trust him.

Sadly he was still living in his world big time. He lied, stole, cheated, and was involved in all this "bad" stuff. I was too naive and trusting to take in the signs. My friends saw how happy I was and also chose to ignore the signs. But as I look back there were plenty of signs.

I feel like I have been ripped from the inside out. How can someone I loved so much, trusted so much and invested so much into do this to me?
How could he flatly lie to me right in my face?
How could anyone take advantage of someone's kindness, love and generosity so much?

Because he is not from, and never will be from my world.

I have learnt about deceit, dishonesty, lying and cheating. Something no one should have to learn about in such a way.

It makes me sick to think that he lived in my house, bonded with my children, met many of my family & friends. He did all this and was betraying me the whole time.

This experience hasn't put me off dating. I am hurt for sure. But out of all the guys I have dated over the years this is the first truly BAD egg. So when you think about it the percentages aren't so bad. There is hope.

One of my friends said don't let one jerk put you off finding your Prince Charming. I said to her I already found him, and then he died.

I often wonder if I am being selfish and greedy for wanting to find love again when some people never get to experience the love that Jason and I had.

But I am young, and I have a long life ahead of me and I really don't want to spend it alone. My kids are going to leave home one day and then what?

My Grandad just celebrated his 90th Birthday - can I imagine the next almost 60 years on my own? 

Heck No.

So I guess in time I will put myself out there again. I will brave the masses, risk my heart and feelings to try find that someone special. 

Because Life is there for living and Love is one of the greatest parts of life!!

2015

Wow, last year I blogged 6 times.
I figured I might be over the blogging thing, that I might not need it anymore, that I have nothing else to share.

It's only 4 days into 2015 and it's already being a tough one.

Last year a met a wonderful man. We dated, he moved in, we fell in love. We went through some good and not so good stuff together and then a week after Christmas, quite unexpectedly to me, he ended it.

I'm not angry.

I am sad and upset and confused.

I will be ok. I know that because I got through losing Jason, and honestly this is nothing compared to that. But it still hurts. A lot.

It kind of brings me to what I want to talk about.

It took me 4 years to start dating after Jason died. WOW what an unexpected emotional roller coaster it has been.
I have been on a few dates with a few different guys.
I have dated a couple for a while.
I fell in love even.

But Jason was still always on my mind. And the feelings of guilt and betrayal were hard things to overcome. But I worked through them. And yes, sadly, the relationship I thought might be the next "one" didn't turn out to be but as I sit here feeling sorry for myself and wondering what I did wrong, I also think "wow" look how far I have come. Look at what I have overcome to get to this stage and place in my life.

I have this flaw, and it's that I care too much too quickly. You see I have had my husband, my Grandmother and my Father all die quickly and unexpectedly in the last 4 1/2 years.  It kind of reiterates to me that Life is short. You need to grab the bull by the horns and ride it. You have NO idea what is going to happen tomorrow. Yeah I suppose that this philosophy may have caused me too much hurt, but in amongst the hurt was experience, fun, happiness. I learnt a lot from my last relationship. I had experiences I have never had before and as much as it hurts like heck right now I have no regrets. Maybe, if there is a next time, I will have learnt enough to make a better, stronger, more amazing relationship with someone.

Really at the end of the day it will be better to say "OMG what a knob I was for doing that" than having to say "I really wish I had of given that a go"

Go check out this AMAZING blog - Bone Marrow For Life. 
Raymond lost his Love to Cancer. Such a horrible disease, He was one of the rocks in my life when my Jason died. (read about that HERE) I read his blog and I smile because I know that yes he is in pain and yes life sucks but he is going to be ok.
Someone else who has the same philosophy as me - I love his catch phrase ....

Live a life you are proud of.

Be Better. Love Better.

So I challenge you in 2015 to step out of your comfort zone and LIVE!!! Challenge yourself, do the things you always wished you could do. Don't wait until tomorrow because tomorrow might just not happen.

Tell the people who you love that you love them, spend time on things you are passionate about and most of all MAKE NO EXCUSES!!!!

Woe is Me and all that Crap

It has been a while since I blogged. I feel pretty meh about it all but something I saw today has made me want to express my thoughts and feelings.

2 weeks ago my Beautiful Dad passed away. He was only 62. It was VERY sudden and unexpected. Minor surgery caused complications that in the end were fatal. To be honest I am still in shock and don't think that the reality of my Dad not being here anymore has really sunk in.

My Mum is absolutely devastated, as you could imagine. Losing your soul mate is a heart wrenching affair, I know I've been there. I want to be there for my Mum as much as I possibly can, she has always been my rock and I want to be able to be hers too, however it is sometimes difficult as I am also reeling over the fact that my Dad is gone.

November 1997 my Dad was in a horrific work accident which almost killed him. He was knocked down by a 10 ton concrete panel which fell off his truck on top of him. He had some pretty major injuries and spent the next 8 months in hospital. The biggest of these injuries was he damaged his spinal cord and became a paraplegic. The last, almost, 17 years have been a struggle for my parents. They have both had to learn to live with a major disability and their relationship changes would have been quite epic. I have always admired and adored the obvious love and affection my parents had for each other. I was one of the lucky ones with parents still together at high school. To go through all that life changing trauma and my parents came out still with this amazing love for one another.

Despite the fact that I wish my Dad was still here and that my Mum wasn't on her own, I can't help but be somewhat relieved that my Dad doesn't have to go through old age as a paraplegic. Life was already beginning to get difficult for him and he had already been through so much. He will be at peace now and his legs will be working again in heaven, possibly kicking my husbands butt for not being here for me!

In my 37years of life I have had to deal with a bit, not as much as some, but still more than I believe I should have. I have had a sheltered life as far as the fact that I had a great childhood, I have never wanted for food or shelter or love. I've never known addiction or abuse.  But the trauma of having my Dad almost die and become a paraplegic, losing my own husband and now my Dad way too early have certainly paid a toll.

I feel like I have an excuse, somewhat, to become a bitter, cynical depressive.
But I am not.

I understand that depression is a mental illness. For some people. Those kind of people suffer in silence and struggle on a daily basis to function in a "normal" fashion.

Today I saw a "Woe is me, no one cares and no one will miss me when I am gone" post. In my personal opinion that is not depression, it is attention seeking. Ever noticed how negative behaviour attracts negative outcomes?

I choose to not be negative. I chose to see my glass half full. It's taken me a REALLY long time after Jason's death for me to get here. The main thing is I have 2 beautiful children who I don't want growing up hating the world. Yes shit happens. No it isn't fair. There is nothing we can do about a lot of it. I can't bring Jason or my Dad back, but would they be happy if I was wallowing in misery? Of course not. It doesn't mean I am not ever going to be sad, or grieving. It doesn't mean I won't get angry or upset. What it means is I won't let the anger and sadness take over my life.

I have hope for a wonderful life for my children. I want them to grow up thinking WOW this is life and it is AMAZING. I want them to live and experience life in abundance.

If you don't think anyone cares about you, or things are going wrong, and when I say this I don't mean major things like cancer, or redundancy or death. I mean things like I can't afford a new car, I have no friends, the dog shat on the carpet. Have a serious look at yourself. Because, in my opinion, 95% of your problems are exactly that. YOUR problems. Don't like it? Change it. Change your attitude to life and see what amazing things can happen. Don't whinge about it to people who actually have REAL problems in their lives. We hate that.

And for those people who do have real shit going on, I salute you and send you as much strength as I can, especially right now to my Mum.

4 Years Today .....

Another year has gone by without you.

The grief I feel for your loss isn't constant any more, it comes in like the tide in ebbs and waves.  Somedays are stormy and the grief swell overwhelms me. Other days are calm and peaceful.

So much has happened in this last year. We are all growing and changing.

Riley is a senior at school. He is fast turning from a boy into a young man. Everyday he is looking more and more like you. He hurts as much as I do. We were talking about around the time you died. He remembers as much as I do. He says little but feels much.

Abbey is growing like a weed. She is going to be a handful when she hits puberty. She has your cheeky sense of humor and your sparkle and smile. She misses the thought of you. She doesn't remember what it was like to have a loving Dad. She has had more life without you now than with you.

I am at an emotional cross-roads. I love you with the same intensity as I did before, that will never change. But I am so lonely. I have started dating. It's confusing, especially at the times like this when I am feeling so much sadness at your loss but also feeling excitement for the upcoming date I have. I miss you everyday you aren't here. I still cry, although not so much as I used to. My heart is still aching and the hole you left will never be filled.

I am strong, and brave. I have found myself, the me without you. I quite like her. She is spirited, funny, cute, quirky, creative and filled with love. I know I am lovable and worth loving because YOU loved me. You loved me with your everything. I am glad I know that. I am so privileged to have had the whole heart of an amazing man in my hands. So many people live their whole lives not having the kind of love we shared. For that love I am greatful. For that 8 years we had together I am thankful.  I really hope that one day I get to hold someones heart like that again, and they can hold mine too.

Today, like the last 3 years we will be at Spring Hill Prison. Sitting in your memorial garden. Remembering, reflecting, grieving your loss.
I will leave my 8 orange gerberas. I will think of you, as I do everyday.

I will LIVE my life to honor yours. I will teach our children the power of love and the importance of life and the importance of people. We will live our lives and live them well.
We will NEVER forget you, your love or our love for you.

You will always be in our hearts.

alwaysforeverandeternity

Your Princess xxxx

When it Happened
Year One
Year Two
Year Three

Things I'm Loving

I wholeheartedly believe that no matter what is happening in your life, there is always something you can be thankful for..no matter how simple it is.

I am Loving .......

This crazy girl and her crazy outfits, which mostly tend to be her dolls clothes!!!

My beautiful Phoebe. Phoebe is my baby I had before I had babies. She is 12years old and I was a little concerned about her health so took her to the vet. Turns out she is in perfect health but may be going a little senile. The vet called her a dottery old lady!! She is my snuggle bum.

Getting new clothes from amazing local artists!! If you haven't already go check out Jessie Rose who has recently opened a store in Kamo. She is an AMAZING artist and I absolutely love her Rose Red and Boy Black ranges. Riley is modeling a Boy Black T-shirt.

My neighbour, who recently moved out, gave me a heap of wood that was on her property.  We borrowed my uncles chainsaw and my brother chopped it up. This is only half! I don't think I'll have to buy much, if any firewood this winter! Score!!!

Using the long weekend (Northland Anniversary) to take advantage of exploring my hometown!

Visiting Reotahi Marine Reserve

Visiting the Quarry Gardens

Reading LOTS. I have given myself a goal, over at Goodreads, to read 100 books this year. I have so many books that have been given to me that I want to read. My library is overflowing!! I love it! Reading is good for my soul, I want to feed my soul a lot more this year.

Linking up with Megan